Don't Go To Bed Angry, They Said $h^tTherapistsSay

Don't Go To Bed Angry, They Said $h^tTherapistsSay //

Have you heard the advice, don't go to bed angry? Is it good advice or bad advice? If you're fighting with your partner and wondering if you should talk it out before bed, then watch this video as we explore this old idea.

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[slashandbones]

As someone who is married, it means a lot that even a marriage therapist admits they screw up.

[PalmelaHanderson]

On the note of needing to have the conversation later, there were plenty of times in my last relationship where we would get in an argument late at night, it didn't go anywhere, and we said "let's talk about it tomorrow." The next day, one of us might say "I don't even remember what I was mad about." Sometimes it's late, you're tired, you're irritable, and you just end up looking for a fight.

[kimfurnell]

I’ve told my husband, “It’s late, we’re both tired, if we have this conversation now, we won’t resolve the problem now, and it will probably get worse. We’ll both be upset and won’t sleep well. Let’s do this tomorrow or during the weekend.”

[witchypoo]

When my parents fought my dad says “I’m sleeping on the couch!”

My mother responds, “no you’re not!”

My dad then says, “yes I am! you can’t stop me!”

[kakeen]

The problem with my marriage was, we would go to bed angry, we would live the next day angry, and then have to try to forget about it because he refused to "talk about it".
Overtime, the amount of resentment from unresolved disagreements and Issues, destroyed the connection

[spacecavy]

My husband and I have never been able to do the don't go to bed angry thing. I don't think it's physically possible for us. We're both the type of people who completely shut down when we're upset so when one of us does something hurtful we need 12-24 hours to process and self soothe before we can talk about it. I can count on one hand the times we've actually shouted at each other (11 years and counting!) but I've lost track of the number of times we haven't spoken for a day because apparently the emotional center of our brains is running Windows 95 and it's just like, "Appropriate response loading. Aprox 22 hours remain . . ."

[julieaime]

We tried it years ago when we first got married and it did NOT work for us. We needed a cool down time before we talked it out. Talking is much more productive when we are rested and not actively angry.
Also, we don’t sleep on the couch. We both have a right to our sleep space even when angry.

[paigemcentire]

Honestly, it's just so refreshing to hear that other people have arguments that last for hours into the night. I always felt so bad that we did that, and I know it's not healthy, but just to hear that it happens. It was so important for my husband and I to learn to go to bed angry, and I think it's a skill. To know how to put it down and coexist.

I listened to a man on the radio talking about a relationship in his early 20s. They had a bad talk over the phone (he was away) and he did not have the patience for her that day. They "went to bed angry". The next day she had taken her life. She would probably have done that anyway, that day or another, she was in a bad place and with no real support. They were both two broken young people at the time. But he spoke of how that haunted him to this day, even many years later, that his last words to her were said in anger and to hurt, and even made him change his carreer path to help suicidal young people. Nothing soothes that pain.

[Gemblackcat]

I had a significant other who used "Don't go to bed angry" to wear me down until I caved and agreed with him just to be able to sleep.

[mizzmatrix]

Been together with my wife for 10 years (married 6 years), and we always agree to solve or put a rest to a conflict before going to bed.
Conflicts stay out of the bedroom, that room is for love and compassion ❤

[neurodivergentnetizen]

If I ever have a long-term relationship, not only will I go to bed when I have to, I'll probably insist on different bedrooms because of my circadian rhythm disturbances.

[probsnooneyouknowtbh]

As someone who has wanted to do things like impulse drop out of school, cancel important things, or make other less-than-wise decisions when panicky and exhausted late at night, IMO it's probably best not to make ANY important decisions late at night when tired 😅 It's amazing how much better things can look after a good night's sleep or just any amount of sleep.

[julieaubutgaudet]

This is something I struggle with because sometimes I hyper focus on whatever is bothering me and I know it isn't a big issue so I try to just go to sleep and deal with it in the morning but I can't fall asleep. I just end up tossing and turning aggressively in bed and sighing loudly in frustration which eventually wakes up my husband and the inevitable late night never ending discussion/fight begins. I was also raised on the "never go to bed angry line" but like Jono I do not function well on lack of sleep and my emotions just get all over the place. We have always managed to get through it but the fights have almost always gone on for too long or gone in circles and some of the time it would have been better to put a pin in it and deal with it later. Thank you for these insights!

[TheBallingers]

New drinking game: take a shot of soda every time Jono or Alicia says the word “aroused” (kidding)

In all seriousness, while there is some wisdom in resolving your conflicts before laying your head down to sleep, making a plan of when you’ll try to resolve it can be just as effective, and lead to better sleep and better solutions the next day.

[roflpill]

I really love you guys talking candidly about your relationships. I think there's not enough real talk around relationships and how important it is to understand coping mechanisms and previous family dynamics, as well as expectations of what a real and healthy relationship looks like. It's a real learning curve and it's especially difficult for people with interpersonal traumas (whether they know they have them or not), and seeing how others manage their dynamics is very helpful. Something I like to say to my husband when we come back together after a bad argument is that "we're all living this life for the first time", basically acknowledging that mistakes were made because there were elements involved that neither of us could see until it was too late. It helps to move us forward by realizing our own limitations as regular people and not holding on to unrealistic expectations of "perfection" in our relationship. It's a messy process but it can be very rewarding whenever new ways of fitting together are discovered and integrated as a result of those tough moments. Anyway, thank you both for this channel and your honesty. ❤️

[Idiot_TaylorsVersion]

Please react to the all too well short film!!

[tReadYT]

This started strong and continued with good remarks. I was curious whether you"d endorse the classic advice, but within seconds you convinced me that it's not a one-size-fits-all solution. Thank you.

[NicolesBookishNook]

I TRY to not go to bed angry or annoyed because I have GAD and I know that if something happened to my spouse before we got to speak and resolve an issue from the night before, I’d regret going to bed angry and/or annoyed for the rest of my life.

That doesn’t work for everyone but that fear actually pushes me to resolve issues instead of letting it fester (which was a big problem during my childhood and teen years).

[oldanduncouth]

You guys are cute and make my heart smile. Keep up the good work! It's inspiring