What I've Learned About How to Heal After Being Cheated On

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I can't thank you enough. I feel like someone finally understands how i feel. When he cheated..its wasn't the affair that hurted me the most but it was his words and actions after i got to know that he cheated. I can't help but think what could i have done better, tbh i wasn't a good girlfriend either but i really loved him, if i had a chance i would do things differently but i just don't want to do things differently now for him because i feel like he doesn't even want ME. I never felt this stupid in my entire life

Sunaina_mehta
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You may get an apology from a cheater, but you will almost never get a sincere apology.

heltonja
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I"ll share exactly how I handled finding out about my soon to be X wife's affair. I did everything for myself and my children. Totally ignored the X only to finalize the divorce . This literally drove her crazy, sense she was a control freak. I started surfing more, more surf trips, hanging out with family and friends. Started counseling to better myself, lost 40lbs working out more. Try these things if you find yourself with a cheating spouse, focus on yourself, mentally and physically it works.

stevehix
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Cheaters never becomes a part of their lifestyle

solomonobu
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WAnting to know the details was more about wanting to know the reality that i had actually lived. I needed to know how much of my life was deceitful

monocle
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Having a hard time with anger, bitterness and resentment from what he did. I seeked and found all their messages to each other- so romantic! A hole took her on dates, bought her gifts, concerts, wrote her poems and didn’t do any of that for me! I was the house keeper, cook, babysitter etc. hurts so much! I am filled with anger. 20 years with this POS!

dailyambientandsoothingmus
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I was not enough for him but I AM ENOUGH. So terribly hard navigating this. Thank you for this video. It makes sense.

Pia-mia
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Thank you for the advice.❤ I feel like I've been left bleeding in the gutter while my wife walks away still holding the smoking gun. This has had a profound effect on me, how I feel about myself, how I view my worth, how I view 17 years of commitment I gave to our marriage. I'm right at the beginning of healing, I still feel as if it were yesterday that I found out even though it's been a month. That month has been so awful... I feel so awful. I hope I can look back on this video some day and realise I've made progress because right now, I can't see through the fog. I can't see how I'll get through a single day while carrying this pain, let alone anything constructive.

I am also sorry you went through this Lisa and anyone else reading this, it's the worst emotional pain I have ever felt and I'm sure you'll all agree. 😢

grumpygiraffe
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the first few seconds alone made me cry. thank you for this. it’s so hard.

catherinemarie
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I look back and am a little embarrassed about how I handled the cheating...but I didn't commit any crimes & it gave me the angry fuel to get through grad school, so I won't be to hard on myself. Lol. You are so so right that the person who hurt you cannot be the person to heal you. That's so hard, because you instinctively want to turn to your spouse for help. Great talk!

sarahAnn
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Im so hurt that she's cheating on me. We've been together for 12 years. She left and has no emotions for leaving. Im stuck in this empty house, and all the memories are here. I didn't get to leave like her. I didn't get to run away. I hate being alone.

d_t___
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This is the only video on this topic that hasn't annoyed me. I feel very understood, and also I feel I understand more.

mindyhoward
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Thank you! In 2020, your videos helped me understand and put a name on what my cheater was doing to me and what I was experiencing. It nearly destroyed me. But watching your videos really helped in between my therapy sessions. There is nobody who gets the pain of infidelity and the signifigance of it like you do. Your videos were key to helping me through the first 9 months after learning about ex husbands infidelity. I learned what gaslighting and betrayal trauma was. Then, somehow, i found the book Leave a cheater, Gain a Life, and that helped me realize i didnt have to put up with abuse any longer. It saved my sanity. I filed for divorce and never looked back. Please keep your videos up. Your videos would be the kost useful if you had them in an order and could help a person who was newly cheated on. Like, first cover that they didnt deserve it, not their fault, then 5 stages of grief, and then teach about gaslighting and common symptoms betrayal trauma. Maybe also overt and covert narcissists, etc. Your explanation of compound infidelity really helped, as well as what a double betrayal was. Knowing the therapy terms of this stuff really helped me. Its just a suggestion, but . THANK YOU for these videos. It comforted me and educated me until i finally i summoned the courage to divorce my abuser.

DAwad-gozm
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Thanks Lisa. I still occasionally struggle with it after almost 4 years now. Things have been much better emotionally over the past year but sometimes I just slip again and get all sad and lost feeling and have to dig myself out of the emotional hole again. My marriage lasted 35-years so I guess a long period of recovery is not unusual. I'm glad to know that you are still doing well and in a good place again. Thanks for the videos and the encouragement.

pacecar
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My siater, i am a guy i cried while listening to you. I am going tgrough this process. Thank you God bless you.

tass
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Thanks for the message. Some good points that I can relate to. The video seems to be coming from the assumption that you have made the decision NOT to try to reconcile. In my own experience, while I did not directly cause the affair, I can't say my behavior and our marriage was wonderful before the affair. We have been together for 28 years, married for 25 so far. I at least wanted too try to save the marriage, since I didn't want to tell my kids years from now, "sorry guys, I didn't even try since I was so angry at your mother". Until you have been betrayed, you cannot begin to understand betrayal trauma. There is a reason Dante put betrayal one level above hell in the Inferno. Other guys think its about ego and being emasculated because another guy banged your wife. Its WAY deeper than that. You have to get over the fact that the person you loved and built a family with was capable of that level of betrayal. The lying and destruction of trust is hard to digest.

The messages that hit home were being obsessed with finding our more, looking at emails and following her etc. I justified it as finding out more about him to save or relationship. It caused more pain that than it helped and I wish I hadn't done it. It only made things worse. At least I didn't confront him. That would ended badly....for him physically and for me legally.

Once I made the decision to try reconciliation, one of my greatest difficulties as suffering in silence. Who could I talk to about the affair and how I felt? My family, hers, our friends, neighbors, etc.? Once you let out what happened, there is no way she could recover from that, so her only option would be to leave. But keeping her dirty secret while pretending everything is fine while you are dying inside was one of the most difficult things I have experienced in my 50+ years on this planet.

coupe
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We were so happy. I had a 6 year old son from a previous relationship and we had a daughter 2 years ago. Bought a house. My ex fiance was begging for a ring and more babies. A cpl months after proposing in front of my whole family on xmas she cheated and monkey branched to that new guy immediately. My house is empty and quiet. Been painting the walls building stuff trying to change all the happy memories. She's heartless & evil now. A completely dif person its scary like that movie pet cemetery. She also abandoned my son and broke his heart too.

CharcharBinks-hu
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I didn't discover my wife's affair until after she died. I don't even have the luxury of being mad at her. Hurt? Hell yes!

wizardofahhhs
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All the items, Ted Talks, videos I’ve came across this is the most organic and so simply yet beautifully explained. Thank you for posting this. You’re reaching those whom are hurting or were hurt.

KrisDKatootz
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New here. This gave me that lightbulb moment with your analogy about healing after a car accident. Mine has been a long struggle and I'm now at a happier content place emotionally. Your videos are helpful to many I'm sure.

KittyC