Q&A #2 - Existential uncertainty, real thoughts, and my children.

For being social...

[phillipandrew]

Should've figured I wasn't the only one who had existential OCD fears. One of my biggest OCD fears was that I wasn't real, that I didn't exist. Took me years to get over. One of the things that exacerbated my fears was being alone so much. Being alone is being alone with your own thoughts, and it gives your minds more of a chance to obsess. Simply talking about it can be such a big help at times. Thanks for the video, Mark. Peace :)

[sarej]

it takes time doesn't it. it's taken me 10 years to find wellness. I was encouraged to hear your struggle has been the same Mark thanks.

[Ashleyiza]

Wow what you said about being a drug addict and asking yourself if it's really helping really clicked with me. It's so hard when you're on the verge of doing a compulsion. Is there anything else you can tell yourself so that you won't engage in it? I guess it's a matter of just doing it. Also, what if you slip up and do do(lol) a compulsion? I tend to beat myself up over that. It's hard to just move forward. Anyway Thanks again Mark for all you do. You are changing my life and most importantly giving alot of us hope =) hope you have a great day!!!

[louc]

I feel like I’m becoming delusional questioning the reality of everything especially myself. My biggest fear is becoming delusional. And every time I think of it the thought “is this even real” pops up.

[sdg]

Mark, the work you are doing is awesome and I am so thankful for your videos. My obsessions focus on my mental health; "am I depressed, I am depressed, what if I spiral so far downward that I become suicidal." Even in a moment of happiness, the thought will come, "No, you are actually sad and down." How do I proceed? How do I stop analyzing and reacting to how I feel, when what I feel feels so real? I just want to be happy...

[amelita_e]

Wow, thank you! I have been dealing with existential/morality obsessions and you’re right… I’ve been operating from the belief that I should know the answers for certain. Totally unhealthy and something I want to reevaluate.

[wendywends]

thank u so much for all videos. And for saying that if the doubt is real doesn't mean we have to do the compulsion. This was really a good advice. I hope i won't forget it.

[paulbeel]

In such a dark place at the moment after reading about enlightenment and spirituality. It all states that the idea of 'self' is an illusion. Like if all the atoms in your body are constantly changing, who are 'you'? I have OCD and obviously it has latched on to this. For someone who always thrived off the company of others and me helping others, to think people might not be real worries me so much. Trying to not to engage in rumination and googling things and also started meds today. I worry that it isn't even OCD sometimes...

[WSChamps]

Hey Mark thanks for touching up on exestential ocd. Its been a huge struggle of mine for months now & my biggest fear is what lies ahead. The word eternity, if it exists, just drives extreme fear into me since i dont know how this uncertaint will play out. It just makes my mind feel trapped. I never gave this much thought until after multiple losses to loved ones. What other advice could you offer me? Thanks in advanced!

[Kikuye]

"The fact that a thought is real doesn't mean that the compulsion you engage in as a reaction to that thought is healthy for you...So when I am talking about cutting out compulsions, learning how to accept thoughts here, I am talking about things you think are real - or might actually be happening .Whether a thought is real or not. False or not or totally strange or out there, it doesn't change the healthy things you can do in the present moment that are going to help you achieve your goals in life."That statement right there really struck me hard for some reason. I watched it the other day when you had just put the video out and been thinking about it the last two days (and just relistened a few times over to type it out, aha) So often I think I will/ would try to feel like I can only NOT do a compulsion if the fact or idea that whatever it is won't actually happen, or at least not permanently. In actuality though that is just a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts in a way. I realized a week or so ago that I was constantly worrying that I was going to feel sick. That eating something would make me feel sick, when I did eat it, if I didn't feel sick, afraid I would, which was making me feel sick that whole time thinking about it from anxiety; being afraid I somehow did "feel sick" but couldn't feel it and my body was being destroyed from the inside out and I couldn't feel it yet; that I would at some point and it would be even worse! Etc. One thing I have been trying to remind myself of more recently is advice I'd seen on a forum somewhere I believe. That was, focus on how things ACTUALLY are, instead of how ones brain is saying they are. That is, worrying and freaking out being afraid of how things "are" because of a bunch of anxiety and judgments afraid of how I will feel or "do" feel versus the reality of what a situation is. I know a lot of people can probably relate to just being somewhere, where everything is calm all around but in our mind there is seemingly endless anxiety... So yeah. Back to the fact of doing the thing which is healthy despite that fear possibly actually happening... That one is still hitting me hard. Probably because my brain hates that, doesn't want whatever "that" thing is to happen, but even if it does, like you said, doesn't change the things we need to do to be happy and healthy! It doesn't make the compulsions correct, that is, it doesn't make what is driving certain behaviors as correct; it goes back to why, not necessarily what one is doing in itself. yeah. I don't know, my brain is still just reeling on this seeming revelation. Aha. Like on some level I "knew" this before but until you said it, it seemed to click more. Thanks Mark! =D

[AdamMT]

Compulsions have caused me to accidentally break things by "redoing" what I did. I've lost hundreds if not thousands of dollars over different scenarios because of compulsions. So keep it mind, compulsions can and do more harm in the longer run.

[blade]

Hey Mark,
I'm diagnosed with an anxiety and panic disorder and I've also been dealing with compulsive thoughts at times. I had a really bad time with derealization and existential thoughts, which I payed a lot of respect due to my anxiety, in the past, but I got a lot better. Unfortunately I had a major setback the last few days. If I walk the streets, I have either feelings of derealization or those thoughts like "Am I the only person on the planet?" or "How do I know if anything is real?". It really stresses me out. The last time it was getting better, it was because I just lived my life and ignored those thoughts, but it felt like I was pushing the problem away and now it hit me as hard as ever. I really want to face this condition now to fully recover this time. I guess accepting the uncertainty of existence is the first step, but do you have another advice?
I really enjoyed your videos so far!
Best regards!

[Kikuye]

This video came to mind this morning for me and I felt the need to watch it again, when it comes to the fact that the healthy things I can do in the present moment don't change because of whatever thoughts or compulsions, feelings, etc, that occur. I got hit by a car on Monday (I was crossing the street, they made a left turn...into me), nothing broken, but bruised and head hit. Since then, my OCD decided to up it's game it feels like. I have had intrusive thoughts/ images of car crashes, while in the car, while driving and fear of accidentally hitting someone for a while now, but just keep driving anyways since I know reacting to the thoughts by stopping or trying to control the anxiety would make it worse. Now there's this fun thing though where since I now know what impact might feel like, I feel my head getting hit every time too. That's not so nice. And then some other random intrusive thought of getting cut by a small ream of paper in my hand that I am holding and is pulled out and massively slices my palm in a giant paper cut. Not really sure *why* maybe just reacting or rebound from the crash, idk. but I guess the only solution is to keep going anyways though I am wondering deep down if there is some other behavior I am doing that keeps it going. And also, I walked my dog this morning again and crossed at the street again where I hit. Most strange physical sensation ever as we crossed and kept walking, it was like my whole body and brain just slowed down and wanted to crumple and melt onto the floor and just stop, and I *knew* stopping or going a different way might make it stop, but then figured that would only make it worse in the long run, so I kept going. I figure too, killing a compulsion or intrusive thought in it's baby stage is much easier and less painful then having to tackle it if or when it ends up becoming giant and all consuming.

[daydream_plays]

thank you Mark for this video!
lately, I been asking those existential questions.

[mrbatista]

can i ask you a question bro? i used to love diving deep into philosophical and spiritual questions. that is the place where i used to find meaning into my life. now because of anxiety and dp all these existential questions frighten me and i obsess a lot about the meaning/meaninglessness of life. when i get out of this, will i be able to tap into my philosophical side again?

[thomasmarshall]

Thanks for answering my question man! It really made me realise which direction I need to head in

[michaelcaldwell]

Wow thank you for going over these topics

[lloydkuhn]

Hello Mark, i have ocd where everything I look at, touch and think about becomes a trigger accompanied by a terrible thought, I label everything in other words, and think that it will stay this way forever. I also have to repeat words all the time. This is due to many years of marijuana abuse. Im making progress by using Erp but it's still uncomfortable 24/7. I was wondering how long until I become stable enough to function in a productive way. I have given up the marijuana now completely. The ocd has been out of control for around 2 months now. Any advice will be much appreciated. Thanks. -Lloyd

[Fredisthegoat]

Hey Mark i got one question, how exactly would be a reaction to an intrusive thought completely without all compulsions.. Would be just completely not reacting at all or what exactly??

[thewizardofoz]

Hi Mark, Throughout most of my life I've experienced a sensation of what I call existential angst. Usually it is roughly between the hours of 3 pm to 6 pm. It feels in a sense like I am disassociating or disconnecting from the world around me. My 'theory' is that this experience is due to the absence of people around me during 'that period' when in grade school. I did not have active friends thru a lot of that time, and thus was alone with myself quite a bit. I also had inattentive parents that did not provide either healthy boundaries or adequate nurturing.

I clearly have OCD. In my early 20's, I performed a multitude of rituals to 'attempt' to get out of the house. Since that time (I'm now 56), my OCD is still present and I continue to have difficulty with mental compulsions over obsessive thoughts, sometimes existential like questions that you relate in your video, but in other ways as well. The most common obsessive thought is "oh no, if only I stayed in college, maintained a certain relationship, chose this over that, had the mentor-ship I so needed, or the right therapist.., ...then my whole life would have been entirely different and I would be a self actualized, alive and vibrant human You get the idea. I know that one has to live with 'what ifs', but I find it terribly difficult when I see so many young people having relationships and evidently living 'without' significant inhibition, or self-questioning, and in the flow of life. Such as not been my experience probably at least 90% of the time. This is painful for me. I believe mindfulness and radical acceptance are in order, with perseverance in finding vibrancy in my life now!

I also have been diagnosed in the last 4 years with borderline personality disorder of which having a vulnerable sense of self is one of the symptoms, among others, such as pushing people away. I also have shame over sexuality since early grade school, being drawn more to man than to women, while at the same time obsessing whether I am truly bisexual, given my attraction to women, even having a relationship with several. Depression is also at work with what I call, obsessive negativity(often seeing the glass half full). My current therapist is aware of OCD, but I'm not sure, even given him stating otherwise, whether he is up to the task, given both diagnoses. As an aside, I wish it was you!

So now I'm wondering if the existential angst & the experience of disassociating is brought about by habitual automatic obsessive thoughts, starting during these relatively isolated periods from childhood and beyond; especially since I'm a highly critical thinker. I also know that more than one thing can be true, in fact many things are true at the same time. So perhaps there also is a predisposition for this not only from faulty wiring from OCD, but also from the constitutional vulnerability of having BPD. In the end, both conditions need to be treated, as well as the depression and the shame.

So what are my questions, given the unknown, and the paralyzing influence of these conditions when all are at play?

Is OCD primarily at work with my dis-associative symptoms (very painful) in the afternoon, or is likely a consequence of both OCD and BPD, fostered by a childhood of isolation & avoidance, with a tendency for critical thinking? Given the lack of boundaries and nurturing, I believe I succumbed to what constitutes a strong defensive posture(living in my head), giving all my conditions a place to flourish.

Or is what I have described mostly OCD, and thus needs, at least initially, to be treated as such?

I have not found a therapist that seems to be able to hold and address these conditions.

Any thoughts on all of this?