What to Do When You Feel Unappreciated - Matthew Kelly

Do You Feel (UN)Appreciated?

What to Do When You Feel Unappreciated - Matthew Kelly

Video Transcript:

“Do you feel appreciated? It’s horrible to feel taken for granted. When our efforts go unacknowledged, we can feel invisible, unloved, and unappreciated. And yet, the great majority of people feel unappreciated by at least one of the most important people in their lives.

So, what can you do if you feel unappreciated? There are an unlimited number of ways to express appreciation, so the first thing is to explore your assumption. They may not be expressing their appreciation in words, but they may be expressing it in other ways. If you feel unappreciated, take a moment and consider if they are expressing their appreciation in a way you have not considered.

If you still believe someone important in your life does not appreciate you, speak up. It is difficult, but essential for your mental health and happiness. There is always the chance that a person is unaware that you don’t feel appreciated. And if someone you love felt that way toward you, wouldn’t you want to know? Simply by drawing their attention to it, you give them the chance to point out the ways they do express their appreciation and provide the opportunity for them to express their appreciation more going forward. If you feel taken for granted, if you don’t feel appreciated, speak up, share how you are feeling.

One of the reasons it is so important to say something is because if you do not process these feelings of being unappreciated in a healthy way they will almost certainly turn into feelings of anger and resentment. It’s not fair to you or to the other person to harbor these feelings in secret.

It is of course possible that none of that will work. Unfortunately, some people only begin to appreciate who you are and what you do for them if you stop. Sometimes you have to take a break and sometimes you have to stop forever, depending on how dysfunctional the situation is. But when the situation is one of chronic disregard and lack of appreciation, stop doing what you feel is unappreciated for a day, a week, a month, as long as it takes to get the person’s honest attention.

Another mistake we are in danger of making when we don’t feel appreciated is to focus on those feelings and forget to express our appreciation for others. You know how it feels when you go to great effort and nobody notices. It can be incredibly disheartening.

Express your appreciation to the people in your life and the strangers that pass through your life. There are hundreds of ways to do it. Find a way that works for you. Some people like to speak their appreciation, others are more comfortable writing letters. A kind word of encouragement, a hug that lasts a little longer than usual, a small gift, a note, buying someone lunch, small acts of service, spending quality time with people, are all ways to signal to people “I see you. I appreciate you. I am grateful for the ways you make my life a little easier and enjoyable.”

And one last thing… Be specific when you express your appreciation. Rather than saying, “I appreciate all you do for me” say “One of the things I really appreciate is how you…” Name something specific that you appreciate.”

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[Isaac-stjh]

When i try to speak up, it turns into an argument. And it makes it worse because i feel i no longer can speak up

[ctrnjff]

I recently lost my husband of nearly 55 years. If I brought my husband a glass of water or served him a five-course meal, he always said "thank you'. Wat a gift that was to our marriage. He was a true gift from God, a kind and wonderful man.

[jibp]

My grandmother used to say that there is nothing better than feeling appreciated....I tend to agree!

[frannyleyden]

There is no worse feeling than feeling that you are taken for granted. You are 100% correct Matthew. You must speak up as it does turn into resentment and anger. I stayed silent for years, expecting my husband to notice, in my mind how could he not see!!? I finally spoke up. He was blinded. This situation had been taken care of by other family members all his life, it seemed natural to him that I should take it on. He honestly didn't see it. Once I finally spoke up, he saw it, was very sorry and did his part. I was able to let go of years of resentment and anger. Speak up! Sometimes people truly are blinded.

[patricekirkpatrick]

We should always say thank you.
And always acknowledge what someone does for you daily.❤️

[gailebsworth]

It is so hard to do this but I was furloughed and made redundant from my parish, I was parish secretary. My faith, I believed meant I kept to the rules of furlough. No one contacted me and I expressed my feelings to the priest especially when I was told by members of the parish that I had left them by resigning. Covid made it more impossible. Trust is what has been damaged. Faith has been kept through websites a mails from communities like your own, mass on line, and a true love for God that grows through his relationship with me. We need to encourage that personal relationship as a way forward.

[bethanybresnen]

What a gift to be able to experience a mini-Matthew Kelly talk and these gems of truth whenever we want! Thank you for the food for enthusiasm, Matthew!

[davesmietanski]

So helpful. These videos have taken the place of coffee for me since the new year haha, gives me just the right amount of energy to get through the day. Thanks Matthew.

[rosemarymaher]

Thank you. I agree about transparency and being specific about communication.I agree about showing people your appreciation.However, I have recently discovered the Litany of Humility.I now feel I should accept being overlooked etc.instead of looking for appreciation, or a round of applause for what I do!
I can offer up what I have done.Just keep quiet about being overlooked and taken for granted.. I can also remind myself what the Jesuits taught my kids…..Do everything AMDG….for the greater glory of God and LDS…Laus Deo .Semper .Praise God always..
Enjoying your videos.
Thank you again!

[cmbreed]

This has been a huge struggle for me in my home as of recent. I have not been able to address it well and avoid a fight. These tips are helpful as I have been very disheartened and sad.

[nedraencelewski]

My two relationships were both with narcissists. They both met all 9 criteria and it was horrifying being in the relationships. The second one was much worse because they were a covert narcissist. This caused a great deal of pain for my children. He used my disease to abuse us, isolating us and constant attacks to our self esteem. The abuse is so very real and damaging.

[paulapatino]

Thank you. When I speak up, people say I'm wrong.

[nancyalger]

Thank you for your suggestion of being specific when you tell someone you appreciate them rather than telling them you appreciate all they do. I am guilty of doing that!

[colleenoconnell]

This has been my favorite, most-I've-learned-from video I've watched of Matthew Kelly's. Thank you.

[d.watson]

This is very timely for me. I notieced that he doesn't say that the person who seems not to appreciate us needs to show us they do in the way we think we need it to be shown. I don't know why I assumed that in order to show me that I'm appreciated they need to show me in a way that I need it to be shown (such as more affection for example). So I see now how I need to handle this and that I shouldn't expect their appreciation only counts if they give me what I think I need. Thank you Mr Kelly.

[dianefrank]

I am lucky as I have always been a behind the scene person avoiding the limelight. Therefore I always help even though I never get appreciated.

[grammie]

The older I get the more I feel this way! I remember my Dad was this way the older he got!! My brothers and I always gave him attention especially after our Mother died. He died 10 months later

[jimondrus]

Thank you for the wisdom Matthew. Simple, direct and impactful insights on appreciation.

[lynnesanchez]

Appreciation is so important- thanks for the reminder

[umslkju]

I loved helping my siblings and my nieces through the years, but in the end… I see they don’t care. And it’s horrifying after 20 years.

I was blind, and my friends tried to warn me . But I was doing what my mother had always done- Help. She was selfless.

My mother always gave good advice and she was very much a family sage, but after her death and events afterward, I feel bereft. Exploited. Unappreciated. Like all that time to them was… worthless.

Even after her death, sometimes I sense what she might say afterward, if she could see, I just see her weeping.

So Much Time.

It’s enough to make you numb.

She was home. And you end up pouring over everything in your mind, trying to distill it. As a Whole. As each part.