Biden Announces Nation Can Stay Up Till 9:30 Tonight

[night_]

This is tyranny. I refuse to have the president tell me when i go to bed. Besides, I already invited Dennis over for a sleepover.

[i_dont_pay_taxes]

Phew, i was already worried about my mom telling Biden no, thankfully he was able to convince her, you rule biden

[Waterishloki]

the onion is the only valid news site that i will take all information as factual

[gerogegerog]

As a Canadian my prime minister lets me stay up til 11 and we get THREE Oreos and we can play on our IPad literally every day

[something]

This is some character development for Biden, going from a frat boy during his days as vice President to a genuine father figure.

[JanusHoW]

Considering how much the real news is becoming a non-stop series of headlines that would have only been in The Onion 10 years ago, it's amazing these guys are still around.

[madhatter]

Onion we need update on the israeli-gaza conflict. You're the only source we can trust

[Kiki-vcxo]

As European I find it so sad that Americans usually have to be in bed by 8:30

[gregbors]

“The penis knot is knot a reliable form of birth control.” Great news! And here I was using condoms like a schlep this whole time

[HyperSniper-tt]

You need two ropes to make a sailor's or square knot.... just saying.

[navyhusky]

I love the tiktok format of these because they make them seem even more believable

[fragdoch-nicht]

I do not know if the Nation is ready to be handed such responsibility.

[SuperVoodude]

Haha I'll definitely share this with my folks! They're sticklers for clean humor.
(Second news story starts)
Or not 😅

[itsumayo]

My shift ends at 10 tonight. Will the government hunt me down and force me to go to bed?

[rattiom]

Coming straight from one of the old Onion videos to this gives me massive whiplash the quality has fallen so hard

[brianpetersen]

WTF happened to the Onion- remember what it was like in 2011?

[jonathancarlson]

Yay!!! I’m gonna ask for 2 social security checks for dessert since he’s in a good mood.

[Crazy-knre]

I think the FDA forgot what "Tieing the knot" means something else

[garrettord]

What happened to the actual news studio quality production Onion used to have?

[petethompson]

you can really tell the budget went down damn