p a l i n d r o m e

pal·in·drome
noun
a word, phrase, or sequence that reads the same backward as forward

--

palindrome
by Anna Akana
(after Lisel Mueller) 

Her last breath slowly fills up her 
lungs. Feet float to the top of the 
toy chest. Red scarf unwinds
itself from her neck. The Korean pop song unplays 
on a loop. Tears crawl back up their paths into 
her eyes. Sadness unfolds itself to blinding anger. 
The paper’s blotchy letters come into focus. 
The idea leaves her head. 
Doors unslam. Words claw back into her mouth, 
settling in the fire of her gut. She’s having her last 
fight with me, but I don’t know that yet. I hate you, 
slams back into my mouth. The pink homemade Valentine’s 
card she knocked over leaps from the floor and into
place on my desk. She paces backwards, swallowing
the vomit of 
no one understands no one knows no one listens
no one cares no one loves me I’m alone 
She unopens
my door. 
I have a sister still. 

--

stop motion by Jennifer Ruiz

music by Alexander Arntzen

[blplcs]

"She's having her last fight with me, but I don't know." Gosh it hurts.

[aditichandra]

When she says " I have a sister still" It broke my heart

[Ghost-jkoi]

I have a sister still.
She opens my door.
She paces forwards, spewing the vomit of
No one understands,
No one knows,
No one listens,
No one cares,
No one loves me,
I’m alone.
The pink homemade Valentine’s card on my desk crashes on the floor as she knocks it over.
“I hate you” expels itself from my mouth.
Words crawl out of the fire of her gut and wriggle out of her mouth.
She’s having her last fight with me,
But I don’t know that yet.
Doors slam.
The idea enters her head.
Tears fall down their paths from her eyes.
Anger folds itself into sadness.
The paper’s blotchy letters come out of focus.
The Korean pop song plays on a loop.
Red scarf winds itself around her neck.
Feet float to the top of the toy chest.
Her last breath slowly leaves her lungs.

[ttsuyaguy]

I have no idea what your sister was thinking. I can only tell you what I was thinking, the night I wanted to die.

I wasn't blaming the people in my life. I wasn't hoping to get back at them. I was thinking that I would never stop feeling the all encompassing certainty that I was worthless and hopeless. I was thinking that I couldn't see any reason for me to go on, because all I seemed to do was fail at everything. I knew that I was somehow fundamentally unable to do this life thing right. I knew that everyone would be better off, if they just didn't have to worry about me anymore. I knew that I wouldn't have to hurt anymore. It felt like the right decision.

I picked up the knife and I felt something I can't explain. I don't know if I was hallucinating, or if some part of my subconscious was trying to survive, or if there are things in this world that are beyond our understanding. I just know what I felt. I felt hands on my shoulders, even though I was alone. I felt a presence willing me to stop. At the time I was christian, so I processed this as an angel trying to get through to me. I'm not christian anymore and I don't believe angels, so I have no explanation. And, it doesn't matter anyway, because I didn't care. I still felt hopeless. I still wanted to die, but I just...didn't do it. I don't know why.

I don't know why I put the knife down. I just did. I put it down and I went to bed. I don't know why I didn't go through with it, and I don't know why your sister did. I know I don't believe that it was because you said, "I hate you." I believe that if your sister felt the way I felt, then there isn't a straight line to be drawn between specific encounters or relationships and the decision she made. It could have been her own card, in her own room, that she knocked over. It could have been simply sitting and remembering moments of pain. I don't believe you caused this. I don't believe you are responsible for this.

I _do_ believe that making this video was honest and courageous and beautiful. I believe that this thing you've been doing, for a while now, where you use your art to confront your feelings and your memories, while sharing it with all of us is generous and genuine.

I am so grateful to you. Thank you Anna Akana. Thank you.

[ErwinAponia]

This is extremely powerful.
I lost a close friend last year due to suicide.
No one saw it coming.
I still think about her everyday.
Every time when I see her sister in the hallway now I just feel so powerless.
I wasn't able to save her.
And there's no turning back time.

[Dan-Black]

That is so powerful, and your words are beautiful despite the tragedy. I can only imagine how heartbreaking that must be for you. Your poem makes me feel the pain and the heartache, but I know it's only a tiny fraction of what you feel yourself. It must hurt to even say these words to record them to share them with us, but I am thankful that you did.

It may not mean much, but we're here for you.

[AusyJo]

0:34 "None of you want me here so I'm leaving. I'm sorry I made all of your lives so misreable. Maybe you'll be happy now that I'm gone. Goodbye"

[tallyboyle]

I have no words Anna. That was amazing and powerful and utterly heart breaking and...
I have no words.
Thank you for sharing with us.

[PrincessRiners]

oh, anna... ♡ i want to hug your big, beautiful heart. thank you for creating such amazing art through your pains and sorrows.

[yaunryanicolep.]

whenever i'm on the verge of.... "flying", i watch Anna and her videos and ask myself, "Do i really want to hurt them like this?"

Your videos keep saving me, Anna. And today, you saved me again. Thank you.

[HannahKristaAPula]

When Anna makes this kinds of video and I'm like "geez this is beautiful♡"

[Natalie-]

Your work is so beautiful and moving, especially what you write about your sister. I can always tell just how much she inspires you. Thank you, anna, for all that you do and make us feel❤

[Crimson_Rogue]

That was powerful. The words and the title are so clever, so creative. You can really tell this is written from a deep place. Stay awesome Anna 😊

[damemasgasAlina]

That "I have a sister still" just breaks my heart every time I re-listen to this. Please never stop creating, Anna. You are a beautiful and strong human being.

[angelinaf]

As someone who witnessed a suicide, I can say that I desperately wanted to rewind time too. You always wish you had done something to change the course of events but it's impossible... I'm so grateful that you bring awareness to this issue and share your story with us :) You did a great job ! You're so brave, this was beautiful <3 Thank you :D

[nelitadelacruz]

This makes me even sadder because it's about her sister

[SiddhantTalwar]

Everything anna makes is heart-wrenchingly beautiful.

[arimations]

this broke my heart.
it's absolutely beautiful.
thank you anna.
just know that we all love you.
i love you anna.

[dirgewordsmithe]

Paused and actually read the letter...😔...this was a masterpiece, extremely difficult to put on paper, let alone SAY, let alone rework into a gorgeous piece of art, and we are so grateful to you for sharing with all of us...

[charlottedatwani]

I know how hard it is to lose someone you love. Although it has been so many years, I believe that you couldn’t forget your sister. At least you wrote it down and made videos... Cause part of her will always be in the world, living, deep in people’s memory...