Woman's Husband is 'Too Dumb' | r/AskReddit

Questions on Reddit, analyzed by us. Who would've thought?
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[Dinglehopper.]

The surprise microphones are getting out of hand I’m too scared to open my toilet

[osheridan]

Reddit confessions are always either "I told my wife my favourite colour was blue but it was red" or "I kick puppies into the sun day and night, evening and noon and in a house with a mouse"

[YourFriendlyNeighborhoodTaxCol]

The "I have no idea what I'm doing at work" with 30, 000 upvotes is just peak Reddit.

[capness]

When I was a kid someone told me limes were baby lemons and I believed that shit for an embarrassingly long time.

[kaldogorath]

I had a surgery the other day, and the surgeon - after he cut me open - pulled out a surprise microphone! I didn't even need surgery, it was all a ruse!

[Maevden]

my "leave now" moment: when I was in high school, I was 15, my mom forgot about me at school one night after my volleyball game. it was dark out, like 8pm and I was the only person still on the property. I didn't even have a phone yet and my only choice was to walk home or at least walk to the closest business that would let me use their phone to call my sister or a friend to ask their parents to come get me. It took me an hour to get to the closest gas station from how far it was, and I was still 20 miles from home. But I didn't go inside right away, there were a few cars in the parking lot and I got a bad feeling. I was still in my uniform (which had my name and my school name on it, not to mention the spandex shorts...) and I could see a few guys walking around inside that gave me a bad vibe. I waited for them to leave and then went in, the cashier let me use the phone. it was closing time for the gas station, so apologetically, I couldn't stay there to wait for a ride but I told my friend exactly where to find me and I knew her mom's car so I started walking in the direction of home again. a few minutes later I get another bad feeling and see low lights coming up behind me, but I know it isn't the right car. I turned and sprinted back to the gas station, even left my bag right there on the side of the road. my friend passed the gas station right as I was getting there. The next week, the three guys who were in the gas station and gave me a bad vibe were on the news for the rape and assault of two teen girls. I don't know how I actually ran away, but I did

[slightlyoffification]

scariest leave right now moment: i was fishing at a local lake with my older brother when I was 10 (he was 13). it was the middle of the day and the only other person there was a man who was also fishing. the man spoke to my brother about fishing for a bit, which seemed normal cuz we had seen this man at the lake before and he conversed with our dad once. but then the man offered us beer. my bro knew that was not okay and called my mom. she called the cops and told us to pretend to go home, but instead of going home to meet her at a designated spot elsewhere at the lake. my brother told the man our mom "yelled at us" for some made-up reason, and we had to go home. we waited a few hundred yards away, out of his sight, until my mom and the cops showed up. the police searched his car and arrested him pretty quickly. in his trunk they found ropes and pictures of children being exploited. he had several warrants out for his arrest for kidnapping and SA-ing children. this was in 2003 when it was more normal for young kids to run around town, and my brother had just gotten his first cell phone (the notorious nokia brick)

[maryamshaaban]

I was almost kidnapped at 4. I remember my dad clearly telling me not to leave KG unless he or mom personally come to pick me up.
My KG hours were much shorter than my mom and dad's work hours. So I had to wait around 2-3 hours until they'd come. A man once came in a white car, dressed smartly telling me my dad would be working late so he sent him to get me. I asked him how he knew since I'd been to my dad's work and know all his coworkers. He said he was a new hire at my dad's school, he gave me the school name and the coworkers names but It made him seem more suspicious. I felt like I'd be in danger if I tried to run or scream so I cheerfully said: yeah, I'll come. Just let me grab my bag from inside. I walked in slowly, didn't run and hid in one of the rooms praying he wouldn't have the courage to come look for me. He walked in and took a peak but didn't go far enough inside to find me.

[KooblyK]

I have a "we gotta get out of here NOW" story:

When I was a kid (13), me, my younger siblings, and a couple of the neighbor kids were out exploring the woods that hugged our in-development suburb. There was a swath of construction going on, churned dirt, tracks from machinery, etc, then forest until it hit the nearby highway. This was not the first time we'd done this, and I grew up in the countryside and knew the woods pretty well, so was trusted to keep an eye on everyone. Watch for snakes, poison ivy, make sure they don't climb a tree too high or onto dead branches, that sort of thing.

Well, the last time we did it, we were doing some standard Bridge to Tarabithia shit: playing pretend, building forts, telling a god damn *story*. But at one point, I lost eyes on one the younglings. Told everyone else to stay put while I looked for them. It took a few minutes of sweeping before I heard low voices. Adult, male voices, in the distance. Not far from the break in the trees next to the highway, I spotted flashes of clothing of two men walking across my path. They hadn't seen me, they were too focused on the small figure they were quietly calling after as it stumbled away through the brush.

I couldn't hear what they were saying, and they weren't in a hurry, but something was WRONG. They weren't construction workers. We were far away from anywhere adults would casually be, and I couldn't see any flash of a car pulled over through the gaps in the trees. I stayed quiet, got lower, and crept as quickly as I could after the girl, making an arc to intercept where I'd seen her heading.

As soon as the kid could see me, she ran over. She'd been crying. I scooped her up just as the men spotted me. They weren't far now, maybe 10-15 yards, and as I started running, one of them called out after me, "Hey, where you going? Come here, she dropped something." I think they gave chase for a little while, but I guess they got cautious about going too close to a populated area. When I circled back to the rest of the kids, the men were gone.

Normally it was a bit of a chore herding everyone when they weren't done playing, but I guess they picked up how serious and scared I was, because when I said we were done, and going home *now* there wasn't a peep. I let the girl's brother carry her and stayed at the back, looking over my shoulder the whole way home. I never told the full story to our parents (though I wish I had so the police could have been called), just said there were weird men hanging around in the woods. That was enough for us all to be banned from playing there anymore, and I was okay with that.

[matt-oofu]

oh man. When I was around 12, I took a back route home from school because there was more shade. Not a lot of houses there though. A car going the same direction started slowing down next to me, almost to a stop, so I turned around and BOOKED IT.
A few minutes after I got home, my sister's boyfriend showed up to pick her up for a date, and asked me "Why did you run away like that????"
Turns out, he got a new car, saw me on his way over to my house, and was stopping to offer to drive me the rest of the way. The windows had a dark tint, so I couldn't see him and thought it was somebody trying to kidnap me.
My mama taught me right!

[TheBeanBoy_]

Imagine posting your deepest darkest secret onto Reddit then some internet guy comes along and immortalizes it in song.
I'd be mortified. Please keep at it- genuinely hilarious-

[bleh.]

My mom and sister had a running joke from before I was born to call tornadoes 'tomatoes' so for about 5 years of my life I just thought that those swirly winds were called the same thing as the red fruit, tomatoes. It wasn't even that I just took that and ran with it, I asked my sister many times what tornadoes were called and she just flat out went 'oh yeah they're called tomatoes'. Older siblings just lie, they just enjoy lying, so maybe your partner's not stupid, maybe they just have an older sibling who lied to them.

[hunterbletz]

I like how when talking about being unable to surf, Daniel compares his athleticism to a pikachu, one of the few Pokémon to have canonically surfed on a board

[guszettel]

10:52
When I was young an adult was describing a flight of stairs for some reason and used the word 'spiral'. He corrected himself, saying "no, that's a bad word for it". Guess it wasn't really a spiral lol. Anyways, for years I thought spiral was a curse word and avoided using it

[milindamcdougall]

OMG! I taught middle school English in a school that required VERRRY detailed lesson plans, 7-8 pages long for EACH prep, very complicated, citing sources, etc. They took about 6-8 hours (of your own time, due by Sunday evening) to complete, once you got the hang of it. I sent them in dutifully every week for yeaaars. Then a colleague of mine confesses that she sends her "plans" (blank document) in every week, but in a password-protected folder. Not once was she questioned about how to get into the file. I started sending in recycled, copy pasted plans every week with new dates, and was never asked about it.

[asilnorahc]

I have zero sense of danger. I usually go about my life happy go lucky and never realise what danger i could've met.
When i was in college, i had DnD every tuesday evening, and i would go home at 2-3am by foot, bc i didn’t live too far. I had to cross a nice park, pleasant at night.
One of my DnD buddies, a girl, asked me to walk home with her - she lived not far from me. She said she felt safer walking home accompanied and her BF couldn’t get her that time.
I saw no problem with that so i did, then i left her at her place and went to mine. The next day, she sent me a link to an article saying a drunk hobo assaulted someone in the park we crossed that night.

Life's weird

[stephaniemhoover]

To be fair about the person worried about the grass puncturing a tire... Maybe as a kid, she had an inflatable pool and the grass grew through it. I've seen that happen within 2 days. She might just have that stuck in her mind, not realizing the thickness of tires?

[paulsmith]

I remember reading one post where this young woman started a new job and the management kept postponing orientation and training. She did her part, constantly requesting instruction and was consistently ignored. Months went by and the company kept paying her to do nothing, never giving her any work assignments. Absolutely baffling.

[ari_ari_was_here_]

15:01 Oh, I’ve got a good one for this. Early 2000s, before I was born, my (british) dad had a small tradition of staying in Thailand for christmas. 2004 was no different, he brought my mum and sister and they planned to stay through to the new year, and my dad was never one to take detours or a change of plans. At some point very close to christmas eve, he suddenly woke up and had a feeling that they needed to go back, back to england, back to see his mother. He had heard nothing, had no warning, had no real reason to, but they did anyway. Packed their things and left. Two days, _two days_ later, the 2004 indian ocean tsunami hit the beaches of Thailand where he, my mother and my sister likely would have died or at least been horrifically traumatised.

[ethanglaeser]

I think the job thing is because in a large corporation, oftentimes people don't know what other people do. You have fancy titles, but none of it is actually descriptive. So if someone asks "do you have time to complete this", and you say no, they have no way to know if you are lying. Especially because the "product" of the business isn't a tangible thing, it's a website or "data processing" or something. The more digital work gets, the fewer clues anyone has as to what is being done.