THE ANTIDOTE TO SHAME: Compassion & Accountability

Time Stamps:
0:00 Intro
0:32 What is shame & why it’s dangerous
3:08 The only time shame is adaptive
7:14 What if you’re actually a “bad” person?
11:26 What about abusers?

Intro music: Church of 8 Wheels by Otis McDonald

[corneliahanimann]

Something I regularly do with people that talk to me.and seem stuck in a mental cycle of trying to logic their shame out of the picture, is tell them about the things I am ashamed of.

I have been abusive before, toxic and manipulative and I could not start working on these things before I also adressed the fear of being all these things. When I open up to people about the ways I have been a shitty person, they have an easier time opening up about the ways in which they have sucked...so then we at least for a moment suck together, before we hahe to face the fact that we eventually still have to keep going in life, so...we discuss what we will do about these things and how we can suck less.

This has led to a handful of the most authentic friendships I have, where we contact eachother because we give eachother the space to reflect in our darkest and most disgusting personality traits and eventually choose to be better because we actually all deep down don't want to be this way either.

[thewindupsweetheart]

"Pride is not the opposite of shame, but it's source; true humility is the only antidote to shame." - Iroh

[alwang]

Guilt is regret. Shame is labeling something with intent to demean or ridicule. Shame can be useful as well. Instead of participating in the dehumanizing process of shaming people, we should be shaming actions instead. It's no longer "Bob stole. Bob is dishonest." Instead, it should be, "Bob stole. That was a dishonest thing that Bob did." By shaming his action, we can leave Bob room to grow. Perhaps with further reflection, he will turn that shameful part of his life into a passionate-yet-controlled hatred of dishonesty. Whatever happens, it will be leagues better than leaving that emotional mark upon Bob's name.

Good on you, Ana. The world needs people like you.

[m.l.b.]

I still remember the huge lightbulb moment I had in rehab once upon a time. Our male counsellor was taking the group and he simply said "Guilt is I did something shit, shame is I am shit". That led to a huge breakthrough for me and was so instrumental in helping me start that process of gaining a more realistic perspective on my thoughts and behaviour. Of all the myriad things I learned there in those 2 months, that is one I've come back to time and again. I even break it down like that in my work in mental health and addictions now. I've never met a single person who could not understand the difference once I repeated those words.

[jmfs]

"Part of being accountable is not making other people responsible for your emotional pain". Great observation. I feel like this is part of why Grey Rocking becomes important in toxic relationships. Part of it is being non-reactive to someone projecting their shame onto you, and part of it is being non-reactive to your own triggers. It might be unjust, but learning to let go of any personal shame of not being able to please another person's shame is a core boundary.

[Scarage]

For me, my shame is less about feeling guilty or being a bad person, and more a fear of being disgusting to other people, which is sadly something people have ingrained in me in childhood. Not sure if you just didn't address this aspect of shame, or if i'm actually misinterpreting my feelings as shame.

E.g. I feel ashamed of being nearly 30 with barely any relationship experience. Nothing about this makes me a bad person. But it makes me think people will think less of me, hence I instinctively feel the need to hide it. And ironically this feeling is also what keeps me from committing to relationships when I do get the opportunity...

Edit:
Maybe a relevant follow up:
I've finally figured out what my issue is. I discovered I'm pretty much the perfect example of someone with a fearful-avoidant attachment style. No issues I have come from shame, I've just interpreted my feelings of unending distrust in myself, as well as everyone else, and the resulting behaviours from it, as shameful. Since the moment I understood this I've also lost any fear of speaking about the fact that I've been wanting a girlfriend for 15 years now, and am just not able to get one. Because it was simply never my fault to begin with. It's a hard pill to swallow but even just within this one week I've become a different person thanks to this understanding.

So to all of you: keep looking for your answers, they are somewhere out there. And I highly recommend using Heidi Priebes videos to figure out your attachment style. Really changed my views on every issue I have. Best regards

[Aynshtaynn]

The title reminds me of uncle Iroh.
"Pride is not the opposite of shame, but its source. True humility is the only antidote to shame."

To think of it, accountability is a part of humility; and compassion, in most cases is a result of it. Iroh is right as usual 😁
I don't know if I'm a bad person, as half the people I meet hate me but the other half like me to some extent, but at least I try to look within myself to see if I do anything wrong, constantly. While I don't always see anything wrong, the fact that I look for it counts for something, right?

I stumbled upon your channel today, and I'm here to stay.

[CynicalIndulgence]

"Holding someone accountable is not a hatecrime" - a truth too oft forgotten.

[KELSEYYYYY]

My subjective opinion is that NOONE is bad, and that EVERYONE makes mistakes. Sometimes we make small mistakes, sometimes we make big ones. Sometimes we do it subconsciously, sometimes we do it consciously. Sometimes we're in a dark place and questioning who we are, what are morals are, and what the meaning of life is, and it leads us to experiment in behaviors that don't define who we really are.

[dakine]

My mom would shame and make me feel bad about myself and not good enough. It still hurts and I feel shame to this day. Looking back I wasn't doing anything wrong.

[ZinniaGulden]

Ana- I’m a CSA survivor and I don’t know a life without shame. So Im learning. Everything you say in every video you make resonates with me so well. You carry yourself so beautifully and elegantly.
You have a mystery to you that I rarely see in people. You call out bullshit, but still have endless compassion to give. You’re a truth teller. I can’t wait to see where you go in your career and in life because I know it’ll be far 💗💗💗

[cloveskiwis]

Honestly, sometimes I feel shame gives people an easy way out and a possibility to not feel guilt. By saying "oh I'm just such an awful person" they make things about themselves, and you feel bad for seeing them suffer from their own shame. Although they SHOULD feel ashamed and they should make up for hurting you. I think only guilt can be a powerful catalyst for change. This is, obviously, only if they can reflect and acknowledge the consequences of their actions. From "I am so bad, I can never change" to "Yes, I did something bad and here's how I will do better in the future".
When my ex-boyfriend cheated on me, all I got was him crying in shame. This took away from MY pain and even though I was angry AF, I felt like I had to cater to HIS needs and acknowledge his pain more than mine.

[larazamora]

You make such a great point Ana. When I was sitting in front of my beloved friend’s murderer in court, I had this odd sensation. I felt bad for him. He did an awful thing, yes, and it also doesn’t change the fundamentals of humanity and compassion. We are all capable of good and bad. Thank you for your video <3

[abiomer]

Thank you Anna,
I would love to see videos about, parent-child relationships where the parents are toxic and have narcissist tendencies and unwilling to talk about anything.
I guess how to cope with that and keep yourself less anxious and stressed about it. Because you can't completely cut the relationship due to cultural and religious norms .
And how to cope with the fact that parents have favourites and won't stand with the one in the right but who they like.

[kotrinaxoxo]

my notes while watching this video :

☆ Every emotion is valid and serves a function, including shame that it's the heaviest one... it makes you feel completely wrong and bad, it rots your mind, there's a need to let it go. But there are cases that it's the opposite. Sometimes this shook and shame could help you awake, but isn't meant to be there forever, how could you move if nothing changes in your life? An example could be the feeling some people get after gossiping, we feel shame and disgust for our actions and must learn to quit that for the better good. There are more heavy cases where shame could be useful too but let's not forget that you don't deserve it, you receive it to learn because you deserve to grow in a better you. There are branches to explain another cases, not only shame; it could be remorse, guilt...

☆ The worst way to deal with shame or anything negative is trying to bury it, I understand that sitting with your discomfort it's hard and unpleasant but eventually you will realize that sitting with yourself it's the way that makes you grow. Let's do math,
- (the problem) - ( temporary uncomfort) = + (growth).

☆ If growth it's avoided it may turn them in narcissist. They manipulate (ex. victim mindset) in attempt of recieving comfort, they fear sitting with themselves and found it hard to tolerate themselves.

☆ Compassion is included to everyone, even abusers.
We can't pick and choose, neglect and be egoistical with them even if we consider them bad people. It may be logical to stay away from them until they heal but still have compassion because everyone deserves it in equal ways.

[DoodleBoon]

I'm so glad you brought up abusers 🙏

[SageAvalon]

I think shame doesn't necessarily only exist on the scale of feeling like you're an "overall bad person". People can feel ashamed for the action itself too.

[robbiewatson]

Wow, this was weirdly specific. "I am an awful person." That phrase - that's exactly how I describe this feeling to people. I have come to realise shame and guilt are the two emotions that I am prone to and have gradually figured out why this is. It's strange how little people in general seem to be aware of with regards to these two, I've found...it's like they're not recognised as what they are - I think sometimes they become enmeshed with a nebulous notion of 'anxiety' or some such ... anyway, thanks a lot for the video!

[RayBill]

"Every emotion has a function", that's something useful to keep in mind.

Even the worst feelings are a self preservation alarm that we can use to develop a better life for us and our loves ones. We can discover true value in accountability and even feel gratitude in the worst moments, using them to become stronger and grow with adversity

[roxyskittens]

The cat is the sweetest!
Thanks for these videos, we learn a lot and they're very useful!