Age Gaps in Dating: How Young Is Too Young?

Erin Ryan and Alyssa Mastromonaco are joined by Tien Tran and Jill Gutowitz to talk age-gap relationships: when it makes sense, when it’s actively desirable, and when it’s simply nasty (we're looking at you Leonardo DiCaprio and Al Pacino!). Also, is there a difference in this category between queer and straight relationships? Do lesbians really just prefer dating older women? Let's find out!

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[rachels.]

I like older men, and since I was 18 most of my relationships have been with men at least 10 years older than me. One of my happiest and healthiest relationships was with a man who was twice my age. Trust me to know for myself. Just because you don’t understand my relationship doesn’t mean it isn’t consensual, loving, and healthy. This conversation coming from feminists feels really annoying to me - it’s my body and my choice, but if I date someone much older than me, suddenly you’re going to shame me/patronize me by asserting I’m not able to make informed decisions about who I date?

[chrisray]

I’m surprised that no one brought up Al Pacino, who’s 83, having a kid with a 29 year old.

[Adurnis]

My wife is 9.5 years older than me, and when we first started dating when I was 19, it WAS supposed to be just casual fun. One thing led to another and we just had our first child. Sometimes it does work out for the older woman and younger man. It helps to be mature. And she is ahead of me in some ways, but I just couldn’t stand all the young women I dated before her.

[turnerwright]

Reminds me a lot of the SNL sketch 'Meet Your Second Wife'

[basquat]

Well someone like DiCaprio is basically dating fans. They grew up with him being this giant moviestar so they naturally look up to him. Eventually it becomes normal days and things even out a bit. It seems to take about 6 months for it wear off and he doesn't like that so he moves on to another 19 year old. I don't think he's actually interested in a relationship, he just really gets off on being worshipped. Even his career he only does the giant movies cause he wanted to be a moviestar not a character actor or whatever it's called. Worship is the title to his life.
With Pacino and De Niro it's just weird cause who the hell wants a 70 something year old to be the father of their child.

[kathryncainmadsen]

I think a man being 7-10 years older matches the emotional maturity. But I do get the biological imperative of older men wanting young women. I resent them actually because I wanted children when I was too old to do it myself. What younger women get might be Daddy approval or financial. As long as it works! If everyone enjoys each others company, it’s cool. No teens though. I was 17 with a 33 year old man and that was WRONG and icky and I’d love a do over. It was about power more than sex I think. He could be the one who knew everything and had all the control. I can see how ANYONE under 30 though might eventually get bored with an older partner or grow away from them as they grow up.

[TheSuzberry]

How young is too young? How much money is too much? These women have signed on to be geriatric nurses. Do you know how expensive it would be to pay for care 24/7?

[TheEponah]

i'm 12 years older than my husband and we've been married for 20 years. guess we're one of the sucesses

[johnwilson]

As a confirmed Bachelor in my 50s, I have had opportunities to date younger women. Fortunately, I Have a rule to only date women that I can identify with on a intellectual level. At no time have I ever been able to identify with someone more than 20 years my junior. Things are so different now from when they were as I came of age. I am in total agreement with you ladies. Thank you for being a voice of reason. More men should watch your podcast to keep their moral compass sharp. Keep the good times rolling... I love your show.

[theorpheumcircuit]

First husband: I was 20, he was 37(10-year marriage). Second: I was 36, he was 56 (he died of a brain tumor). Third Great Love Affair: I was 42, he was 57 ( he dumped me, long story unrelated to age). I like older men. They are smart enough for me.

[sonsolar]

I'm dating someone 20 years younger and it's great

[ellenensey]

Thoughts on women older than the man? My husband is 8 years younger than I, and it rarely seems relevant. That said, we were married when I was 40 and he was 32.

[robynsaulnier]

My aunt and uncle were 40 years apart. She wanted NO children and to travel. My uncle had 2 adult children. They married when she was 23. She was happy and got to do exactly what she wanted. Until my amazing uncle passed at 94.

[mjbmjb]

Straight men over 35 can also be a nightmare and many still don't know what they want. I say this as a 58-year old, straight woman. I stopped dating years ago because I could not put up with their BS.

[jjw]

Also kind of hypocritical the way that Jill calls out conservatives for making uncharitable assumptions about gay age gaps and "groomers, " and yet she and the others stick to the same narrow-minded assumptions that older men in hetero age gaps must be out to "control" or manipulate younger women.

Lot of holes in the arguments as well, if a 25 year old in a 10 year age gap doesn't know who Missy Elliott is then why would the age gap suddenly be okay in 10 years when she still doesn't know who Missy Elliott is at 35? Shared pop culture references aren't THAT important for relationship stability.

Kudos for the attempt at broaching the topic I guess, but to see liberals act like conservatives in dispensing with nuance and talk about age gaps like right-wingers talk about LGBTQ is kind of ironic and disappointing.

[thecalledshot]

Lauren Bacall and Humphrey Bogart met in 1943 when Bacall was a 19-year-old former model and Bogart was a famous actor 25 years her senior. My wife and I are also 25 years apart in age, but we met and started dating later in life. She was 36 and I was 61. We were both single and neighbors in the same condominiums. We dated for five years before getting engaged and married. I have two grown children. My wife has no children. Our families have been really supportive and celebrated our marriage. We're happy together. Granted, it would have been a whole different vibe if we had met when she was 19 like Bacall. Even I think that would have been cringey.

[theodoravellum]

I once walked around the Met Cloisters behind a couple where I kept thinking the whole time “girlfriend or daughter”? They weren’t kissing or anything but she was holding his arm and there just seemed like too much touching for a daughter….but she looked like a young teenager and he was easily old enough to be her father. From that experience I have come up with the rule for men “don’t interact with your daughter such that strangers wonder if she is your GF and don’t have a GF so young that strangers wonder if she is your daughter”.

[nessamaine]

IMO, once one is 30+ … 5-10 years younger maximum is the rule… And, no dating teenagers unless you’re a teenager… HUGE Age differences give me the icks… Fun topic!

[theultimatereductionist]

I am a heterosexual male.
1st romance: I was 26 she was 39.
2nd romance: I was nearly 27 she was 21.
3rd romance: I went from 30 to 31, she was 43.
4th romance: I was 33, she was 26 or 27.
And a one-night fling: I was 48, she was nearly 47, during Hurricane Sandy, which was terrifying me. Am still friends with her.
I had ALWAYS been aware of the obvious inequity in age differences of romances in movies:
man much older than the woman everywhere,
could think of ONLY ONE movie where the woman was older than the man: "Harold & Maude".

[adjusted-bunny]

I am in a relationship with a much older man and I am happy about it. These feminists are just sour and unfulfilled.