Overcomensating With Gender Assigned at Birth?

If you are overcompensating with gender assigned at birth you may be running into some problems. Gender therapist explains.

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Hello Friends! I'm Dr Z, and this is a channel where I help you break free from dysphoria!

👉NOTE: I work solely with adults, and all video content is marked for adults only. As such, the information shared is based on my experience working with adults only.

DISCLAIMER: Note that as a clinical psychologist, I created this channel to share information. Therefore, I won't be providing or offering therapeutic advice. I am also not a medical doctor. When I speak on medical issues such as hormones or surgical procedures, the goal is to share information and not to provide medical advice, and you should always consult with your medical doctor. Additionally, this channel is for those seeking information and understanding and to gain awareness.

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[sir.maccc-]

You are a miracle. Every time i struggle with something and I’m having problems, you come with another video and answer all these questions.

[Honest-joe]

This makes so much sense, as a biological female I was forced to wear dresses and such from a young age, when I got older as a teen I started to do what I want by becoming more of a "Tom boy" wearing male clothing etc, but when I got to 24, nearly 25, I started to realise that due to my family circumstances I can't transition so I started to get into makeup and dresses and more feminine clothing, Its not me but I try so hard to fit in, it's making my dysphoria worse but I don't know how to break out of the cycle.

[julenlen]

I did this for some years. Skirts, long hair, I even had a go with make up. It was "ok" for a while because it misdirected my dysphoria. It felt like the "I feel like I'm wearing a costume" feeling came just from my clothes and so if I could pull off them, it'd be ok.

[wendyvance]

I overcompensated by forcing myself to hangout with my guy friends. I would play poker, golf, Frisbee golf. When I wasn't with my guy friends, I started going to the gym to build that muscle. I also went to lose weight, but that was part of it too. I wanted to show the world I have this awesome male physique. I definitely see what I was doing, in retrospect, and I realize that I was prolonging the inevitable.

[fyrebloom]

I overcompensated before transition because I thought the reason I felt so terrible was because I hadn’t really done it “right”. It also allowed me to disassociate and disconnect from the discomfort, because it wasn’t me. In the end I was a mother goddess, beautiful high femme and I finally was able to accept that this made me feel worse not better. I began transition just shortly after a 15th year vow renewal ceremony where I can say without a doubt that I was absolutely beautiful and performing femininity flawlessly. After the wedding my body crashed, couldn’t stay awake, I was bedridden for three months. I started hrt a few months later and I’ve never felt better. Accepting the man I was meant to be has been tough, esp starting at 38, but it’s been nothing short of life saving.

[amaden]

I overcompensated by getting the most masculine guy I could find as my boyfriend (I am not even romantically attracted to men...) an dressing in a way that was so feminine that I out-shined most women I came across. Now when coming out to my friends they are so confused because they would have never expected me to be trans. It certainly makes coming out more difficult because I'm scared that some people will refuse to believe me (it didn't happen so far, my friends are lovely, but the fear persists).

[jordand]

I very much can relate. It’s almost as though I’m just an actor playing a role, like I’m not even completely real. I’ve spent so long trying to convince others that I was a man, when I was actually just trying to convince myself.

[christinavega]

Yes I did overcompensate many times as I was gowning up and even today sometimes.
In 7th grade I tried to join the football team! It was crazy here I was setting on the floor reading this parent permission slip I was suppose to get my parents to sign and thinking to myself, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? Luckily my stepmother said no and really did saved me.

At church I used to wear a suit. While all the other guys were dressed casual I was in a tie and suit. I kept thinking the more manly I looked to more manly I would feel...but that didn't last.
I grew a beard for a while, real manly right? Wrong, the problem with growing a beard to cover my face is that it didn't cover my "eyes." Every time I would look in to my eyes in the mirror it was like I could hear her say, "I know what you're trying to do." Then I'd look away really fast and try not to think about it.
Amazing how many head games we play..

[fletchling]

I did this LOADS as a preteen before I figured out I was trams!! Wore super feminine clothes that made me feel really uncomfortable, loads of makeup etc. Didn’t know how many other people did this!! Thank you!!!

[FreyasArts]

I'm afab and I definitely overcompensated. I thought if I just lived long enough as the absolute stereotype, one day it would have to 'make klick'. So I embraced the image of a 50s housewive. In the beginning of my teenage years I started adopting the roles that a traditional woman should have.
I even took ballet lessons to learn to move more feminine, l almost exclusively wore skirts and dresses, just for make up I often was too lazy xD (I'm 25, btw)
I even recognized myself that I overcompensated and I knew it didn't do me any good, but I just couldn't bring myself to stop, until I accepted that I am transgender and slowly, bit by bit, I'm exploring my true self, allowing myself more and more to express myself the way I actually feel.
I have to thank my best friend for a lot of this. They were the one who slowly but surely broke my shell open and helped me getting away from the influence of my family, learning that I don't need to please them, that I first need to think of my own mental health.

[jessejamesdee]

ive been struggling with doubt because i was overcompensating so much before. i would try so hard to look gorgeous and feminine and it always felt like i was putting on a show. i could accept that it made me look good, but i still didnt feel good about myself and i always wondered why. knowing that i looked good as a girl always made me doubt if i was trans, but through this video, im realizing that i was really just overcompensating because i didnt want to accept that i was trans.

[sir.maccc-]

Wait, I’ve been struggling with this for a while and I’ve been questioning myself over and over because i tend to overcompensate and say “I’m just a girl, a girl who likes girls and dresses masculine.” It was hard to follow through but I’d do it to erase the thoughts of me ever transitioning or allowing the acceptance of me being trans, i was overwhelmed by the thought of me being a man, so i tried to be happy being female, i had a phase where I’d wear crop tops and skinny jeans and i tried to play with my hair. I cut my hair and I’ve accepted already liking girls, now it’s hard because I’ve erased these weird things I’ve done throughout my life that pointed out i might be trans. The most torturous thing i can do is dress really feminine and go out thinking “I’m a girl and people will see me that way”, I’ve been wanting to do it so i can avoid me accepting me being trans. I’ve been overcompensating through little things, like right now i feel so guilty about myself so I’ve been waking up and trying to be comfortable with it being female, everything i do i say “I’m a girl” and it’s hurting me in ways i can’t explain but I’m comfortable because I’ve done it for so long, repeatedly.

[Entuz]

Another way how I overcompensated was how I started drinking beer when I was 16 to be a 'tough guy', and would drink it at concerts to come across tougher. Not only did I make the wrong friends doing this, I also got very addicted to alcohol and weed. Because when I would be drunk/high, I wouldn't feel dysphoria because the alcohol and weed would make me feel artificial hapiness instead. I've been addicted to so many other, much worse drugs because of exactly this reason. It got me stuck in a vicious circle for years and years until I finally managed to break out of it in January this year.

I lost the friends that I made once they got to know me better and realized I was putting up a fake personality to conform to stereotypical gender standards, but most importantly I lost so many years and money on getting high and drunk that I could've spent on exploring my gender identity instead.

[Cas_May]

Holy shit... I had no idea that that's what I was doing. I went through a phase where i acted really "girly" and grew my hair out and wore cleavage showing tops but none of it was for me. I cut off all my hair and went back to wearing mens clothes and products and feel way more comfortable with myself. Thank you for this video

[hatsumiyo]

This is so me. I tend to do this when i take selfies too, i try those filters with makeup and i look like such a pretty woman, that i tell myself "don't do this. You'll be ugly as a man, you wont pass, and it all will be more difficult. But look at how pretty you look, how well you come off as female. Its not worth it" which is also such a ridiculous thing.... I honestly think my female performance is the least genuine there can be 😅 everyone tells me im so delicate and so feminine all the time... And it shocks me because i dont see it.
Anyway, i definitely do overcompensate, usually after i come out (ive come out like 2 or 3 times, to myself and my mom). I start wearing A LOT of makeup and wearing tight feminine clothing and listening to Christian music and going to church as another form of overcompensation (im a good Christian girl, i would never be trans, thats a sin!!) Lol

[Mitchellangelo]

You are like YouTube's trans mom <3

I feel like some trans people also kind of overcompensate by jumping deep into the trans community. They become activist and stuff. (I have also felt that desire). I see a lot of people quitting that after a few years because they realise they don't agree with everything.. What are your thoughts on that?

[royalukas]

This subject is so real for me, and is something I have thought a lot about. All of the overcompensating things you mentioned I did and/or experienced. The result of it was an internalized anger that I carried with me for years. That anger damaged many relationships and made my life choices much more problematic.

[VincentStair]

Thank you.
I am currently in the process of (very slowly) coming out as transgender and it's not ideal. While coming out I think that I thought me presenting myself more feminine would let me see the beauty in femininity and that it would lead to me accepting my biological sex as my gender identity. I just want to say: "Hey, I was wrong. I'm totally cis and I won't have to deal with my name, my pronouns, transitioning when I am ready, telling everyone that I identify as trans and suddenly having to deal with everyone having an opinion about my existence". For me, the idea of transitioning is so scary because people will know something changed, they will question it and I just want to be normal. I am not an outgoing person and so the thought of having to come out and explain myself to everyone multiple times freaks me out as well. The pain I feel right now is something I know so it feels less scary.
Thank you for this video. You asked for our experiences and this is mine so far. I think I will try to do what feels right and not what I think other people say is the right way to be from now on. It's really not easy, though.

[rayamoooooo]

It's spectacular how internally descriptive you are and you are possibly the first therapist that has EVER been precise and considerate.. thanks much Doctor Z - You're like trans The Incredibles

[Ash-tfwz]

Yes! I feel I can relate to this in some way. I went to an all girl's school. (I'm FtM) I didn't overcompensate in terms of clothing or makeup but rather mannerisms and just generally how I interacted with others. I hid my true self and only spoke/interacted when I knew how to in a feminine way with girls in school, so I was very quiet growing up. I had a close friend and I picked up a lot on how she interacted. Now I've transitioned, I still find it hard to shake off those learnt mannerisms, it's like a man-made default setting, especially when I'm around girls. Behaving in that way makes me feel dysphoric, and when I do, I just want to shut down. I feel like an empty shell because I have been socialised as female and overcompensating in this way, and because of that I feel there's a huge gap in who I truly am. I'm trying to crack the shell by transitioning. Given time, when I interact more with other guys, I think I will become more in touch with myself. Another indicator to me that I was trans, was that I felt a mental click with guys, this is what I'm talking about. I hope I make sense! It's been good to type this out anyway. Thanks for making these videos