LOVE has NOTHING to do with RELATIONSHIPS: setting the record straight

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This will be a bitter pill to swallow for many people, but love has nothing to do with relationships. Whereas relationships are the medium through which value is transacted -- and, therefore, require rules, definitions, and compromises in order to "do business" -- love is royally indifferent to all of these things and expects nothing in return. This is because relationships are about getting what you want, while love is a passage into a higher form of life through the gateway of the humiliated self. And since love only wants what is best for the other -- without care of its own self-interest -- love can only justifiably want a relationship if that relationship were in the best interests of the other...which it probably isn't.

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Sound mixing/editing by: @valntinomusic

Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.

#love #relationship #psychology

[KJ-pudw]

When people say they 'are looking for love' really they are looking to Be loved.

[self-confessedluddite]

“If you love a flower, don’t pick it up.
Because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love.
So if you love a flower, let it be.
Love is not about possession.
Love is about appreciation.”
(Osho)

[tank]

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but will rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always Hope's, always perseveres. Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
The Bible

I watched my parents Love each other based on the above definition of Love. They were married for 42 years. It was a beautiful thing to watch.

[rayakins]

This was like a blinding flash for me at 37. A strong capacity for love actually makes you bad at relationships because it limits your willingness to assert needs and boundaries. You can’t remain defeated and humiliated in the long term of life.

[timtarbet]

This is ironically the most cynical, depressing, and beautiful thing I've heard in a long time and I'm not really sure what to do with it.

[souqsayara]

To our 7 years of marriage I realized love has nothing to do with it. It’s all about care, mutual support, compromises, healthy space and trust and respect:) it only grew with time

[steven_king]

I let her go because I knew she would be happier. I love her to this day, more than anything. I hope she’s happy. Whatever she’s doing.

[DopravniPoradce]

This is the single most important truth every single person needs to realise.

[tomdebevoise]

About 5 years ago, I experienced the closest thing to what you described with a musical partner. She played cello and I played guitar. We spent many hours practicing together. We performed on stage and at weddings. We never kissed, we never told each other this, but the music and performances stripped my armor and I surrendered to my love for her totally. I fell into a deep depression and did a lot of self-work. I was transformed. To this day, I still feel the love she gave me and I am so grateful for the experience.

[Victor-itbv]

Relationships are conditional
Love is unconditional

[DvDick]

Well said. When you truly love someone, you are willing to leave the relationship even if it destroys you in the process. I know, because I did it. I broke up with the only girlfriend I've ever had. Her mother hated me, and she was driving her daughter insane as a result. I realized that the only way for her to get out of the situation was for me to leave, if I stayed she would've lost not only her father, but her mother, and her sanity together with it.
After that I lived 6 years of torment, I was feeling like my soul had been ripped apart, and I was the one who did it.

When I try to explain people my experience nobody seems to understand, and eventually I realized that most people just dont get to experience what love is. In fact I only realized recently that "romantic" relationships are just transactional in the vast majority of cases. It's sad, I used to see (successful) relationships as something where both parties would love each other utterly and completely, hut clearly this isn't the case. Hell, even my ex-gf probably wasn't really in love with me, probably just very attached. It doesnt upset me though, she still has a place for her in my mind, and I wish she finds happiness eventually.

[ugglaifjarran]

People around me ask why i never found "the love of my life", meaning why im i still not married at 30. I questioned myself a lot and could not find answer. I looked for an error in me. This week i had some dreams, and realized true love was somwehere else, and was always part of my life. And your video suddenly pops up today, and all is put into words beautifully. I am soo furtunate to have experienced true love in my life. Maybe i will never get married, but now i dont push myself to reach that anymore. ❤ Thank you for the video.

[BattlesuitExcalibur]

This explains why arranged marriages can sometimes work. The relationship is imposed externally as a scaffolding for that love to build, but it can remain even if love is absent, for the value it provides the two connected families.

[IndyMotoRider]

Men especially need to grasp this concept. Her "love" for you is conditional, unlike the love she gives her kids or pets. It's best if you understand your relationship is transactional...quid pro quo. The moment you love her, you lose your ability to have a transactional relationship; she now has control and you've opened yourself up to severe emotional and financial distress when she leaves you.

[snake]

Like the Mexican singer Jose Jose said in one of his songs, to like someone is to have fun, and to love someone is to suffer.

[kyounira]

For people who grew up thinking that love is transactional, that giving love means receiving love in return, this is eye-opening.

[dreamstories]

"Love wants what is best for the loved one, even to the point of sacrificing the self." In my opinion, that's why one sided love or even an overly unequal love is so destructive, and the person in this situation is often left miserable.

[bluebutterfly]

This is exactly why we all dream of love. We all desire to be so connected to someone that we would give up ourselves for them as they would do for us

[itvirgil]

Was not expecting love to be so highly regarded in a video with this title. Pure gold

[sallybella]

Dr Pat Allen is absolutely clear when she says all relationships must be negotiated.