That is what it means to be strong

What is your family's definition of strength?

Repressing one's pain is often likened to holding a beach ball underwater, where the effort exerted to keep it there wears one down.

In reality, holding a beach ball underwater fights a law of nature and is futile, much like avoiding our emotions.

I often think of the dysfunctional family in that analogy, where members can repress with awareness of their pain or without. Whether they know it or not, denying and repressing our pain takes a lot of energy.

Within that effort, our family often creates narratives of strength and morality in holding the beach ball under, when it's just avoidance of emotions.

Here are some examples of such narratives from family members:

*They are often preoccupied with conflating vulnerability for weakness or being just plain crazy
*They can weaponize toughness as a competition: "My father hit me, but you don't see me running to a therapist!"
*They want to be seen as not burdening others with their pain. "I'm fine, don't worry about it."
*They view those who are vulnerable or process emotions as selfish
*They are threatened by emotional vulnerability and often see it as manipulative. "What do you want from me? Deal with it!"

Contrarying to our family's idea of strength, processing our pain, being vulnerable, and seeking connection around it:

*Is what makes one move on, grow, and become unstuck
*Allows for more compassion and empathy of others from shared lived experience
*Increases our capacity for authentic intimacy and connection
*Helps us step more into our body and embrace who we are

It's sad to see that our family is still holding it down and believing that's the right thing to do. We want to connect with them about emotions, but they're too busy keeping the ball in place.

It's also sad that vulnerability is seen as a weakness when moving toward one's feelings and history, which is incredibly difficult and exhausting. It is lonely and brave, with benefits that are slow to come.

That is what it means to be strong—allowing the mess, when one can always choose to keep it down and remain stuck.

#childhoodtrauma #emotionalregulation #family #therapy #stuck #strength #intimacy

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[Scorpion_Light_Bringer]

Do everything yourself while keeping it to yourself AND accomodating the family no matter what!

[stormthrush]

A very broken and warlike definition of strength including things like "never show weakness even in private."

[justjosie]

I truly believe only people who have lived through it like you can make good therapist because you have to have lived through it to understand the significance of this question.

[Valeria-sxuv]

Being tough. Surviving things that would break anyone without showing how hurt you are. Griting your teeth and just going with it

[audrey]

Act like we are perfect, even when everything seems to show the contrary.

[marianmain]

Toeing the line. Basically anything that involves not only keeping your mouth shut (or else) but also wholeheartedly agreeing with and enjoying egregious behaviour. Including criminal acts, and treating ANYONE as a potential source of supply, be it financial, emotional or physical. That’s not strength, it’s WEAKNESS. Because they are incapable of creating anything with independent thought and actions. I went no contact with all of them decades ago. It’s been difficult because it left profound marks. But it’s the best decision I ever made.

[d.h.]

My parents definition, never crying, “sucking it up”, never feeling your feelings, and definitely never healing anything.
My definition for me and my kids, strength is being brutally honest with yourself and about your feelings, asking for help when you need it, and taking on healing when you’re ready.

[Belisaurus]

Self punishment i would call it. Never ask for any kind of help or be kind to yourself, but rather keep pushing through everyday life, until your body and mind is totally f****d up.

[crystalcole]

"bear your pain in silence"... My mother used to say that. She was the servant of the family. She took care of her whole family. And four children. They emptied her out like a tube of toothpaste. She thought being of service was showing love, and keeping silent about her own needs was being strong. I would not wish my mother's life on anyone. Except the type of people who gave her that life.

[herbalina]

Blame. You can never be wrong if there's someone else to blame.

[cucumberwhale]

The strength of a mannequin, make it look perfect, hide the blemish, but don't cure it. Self pity, but too much pride to accept help because that would be admittance to being wrong. "Strength" was really just fear of anybody moving on changing the status quo. It took enormous effort to keep up the denial.

[genieinabottlebaby]

Denial. Repression. Distraction. Appearance. Submission.

[alie.natin]

Perfection. And the thing is, nothing is perfect but the image of perfection, and even that image isn't permanent... but my mom didn't want to accept that.

[sixtysense]

Money, looks, and the ability to steamroll and trash-talk anyone even remotely in your way.

[orielwiggins]

This! This is what my cells have been saying for years. Processing pain, being willing to be vulnerable and seek connection around it. Always met with so much more shaming, rejection, and pain. But my soul knew /knows this is not only the way forward, but the only way to really be authentically intimate with and supportive of others.

Thank you so much Patrick.

[abigailkendrick]

Suppressing ALL emotion, even joy. Fun stuff! 😂

[annas]

Pretending that you’re totally fine and emotionally stable while being completely deranged and out of control half of the time.
Putting other people down, because that always makes you feel better about yourself.

[coralmccrystal]

Aggression equals strength. The more aggression, the more strength. Show your kids who's boss. You weren't boss when you were a child yourself but once you get to be a parent your word is law.
Of course aggression doesn't equal strength in children. You have to batter any of that out of them and clamp down on the slightest sign of mutiny. It's called setting high standards. They might still not thrive but at least you nobly did everything you could to show leadership and you sent them to single-sex schools run by monks and nuns to give them the best start too.
They should be grateful but they could still turn out to be disappointing through no fault of yours. They may even die young, but you can console yourself you gave them the best start possible.

[nathalieduverna]

We talk about our problems, no matter what they are. This is something we never did as children. My mother told us to never fight in public but in private do whatever

[moscowcowboy_]

Pretend everything is fine, never bring any of the abuse up or things might get worse.