How Divorce REALLY Impacts Kids' Mental Health

Since MARRIAGE STORY covers a family in the throes of divorce, we wanted to discuss the impact of divorce on young children’s mental health.

According to a study discussed in @theGuardian, parental separation is more likely to harm the mental health of children if they are aged at least seven when the split occurs.

Minors aged between seven and 14 at the time of the split exhibit a 16% rise in emotional problems, such as anxiety and depressive symptoms, and an 8% increase in conduct disorders.

In contrast, children whose parents separate when they are between three and seven are not more likely to develop such problems either immediately or by the age of 14 than those still living with both parents.

Our panel of mental health experts are discussing this and more in our segment of psychology in the news that we call Being Human.

Read the study that inspired our discussion here:

LISTEN TO THE FULL PODCAST EPISODE HERE:

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What are your thoughts on this discussion on divorce and children's mental health?! Let us know in the comments below!

[mariahgutierrez]

My parents divorced when I was 7 and for years I developed night terrors and anxiety attacks. I'm 25 now but I think being dragged back and forth between parents and moving so much left me with attachment issues and I can't seem to connect on a sentimental level with anything I own.

[brandonleroux]

I am forty years old. My parents divorced at three. These are my thoughts on how it has affected me; I apologize if it seems a bit dismal but this is how it is for me:

There is a sense of undying loss...a loneliness...an emptiness that eats like acid to dissolve me of all solid meaning and identity.


A hurt that cuts a world in half. A ten mile wide planet killer.
An amputation of the mind for which there is no prosthetic.
A slow rape of ones developing identity.
A carnal and intimate wound that scars the mind's flesh before it awakens from childhood.

A blinded heart that bleeds forever while still beating for what it wants...to be fathered with love.
I feel such shame over this.
Ashamed at my childish craving.
Ashamed that I want what I know I have outgrown in the eyes of society.
But the heart wants what the heart wants.

It can be hard to find yourself when you have been hurt in this way.
Hard to build a sense of self.
Harder still to learn how to trust knowing how fragile trust can be even at its most primal.

It is has been hard to allow myself the chance to feel a sense of self-worth, when feeling means having to deal with the overwhelming sense of hurt and anger.

Learning to let go of these things has been my life's work.
I did not split the atom.
I didn't invent the lightbulb.
But I was here, I lived, as deadly as the rest of you.
It was hard. Like you I did what I had to do in order to survive.
The rewards have been few.
Small achievements; gathering cliches to make up a dependable truth:
'Baby steps I tell myself'; 'Its not about the destination but the journey'.

People just don't know the mountains of sadness a child has to move in order to make sense of it all;
In order to clear a level platform on which to build hope? If such a thing is even possible.

My emotional landscape is littered with crosses and exorcisms; rituals of self sacrifice and tears of understanding; Crucifixion's of lost feelings buried in shallow graves; ill gotten emotions and fear-demons that litter the road like avatars of the lions and wizards yet to come.

Forty years on and my little heart still wonders...daddy, why did you leave me? Father, why have you abandoned me? Why was I not good enough for you? Where is the heart of your true love? How long will I still hate you for what you did?

Father, which way to acceptance and healing?
Which way to absolution?
I keep picking up my anger.
I keep letting it go.
I keep moving forward...but for what...
I don't feel like a person...I feel like an animal.
I feel like I am trapped on a lifeboat with a tiger

[NaturesStory]

My parents are fucking insane. Separated at 8, Divorced when I was 11. Fought over me. Made it HELL!!! I’m 34 now, they’re still insane.

[Nothinglefttosay]

I’m 51 now… my parents divorced when I was 12…
It still affects me today.

[Maddiriddle]

I was 12 when my parents divorced and now I'm just now getting out of the sever depression and anxiety

[SpiritualTarotGoddess]

My parents divorced when i was 8 months old. I never had a home with 2 parents. It was hell. I cant explain the pain and trauma

[murphy]

Divorce is the worst thing you can do to your kids. Parents need to grow up and stop being selfish.

[brackc]

I was in a very litigious divorce & it affected me immensely. I had one parent trying to alienate me from the other and that ruined my ability to attach to other people or feel secure.

[nbachillzone]

Everything was perfect when I was a kid, I was born in 03, my family made it through the 08 recession, they had my brother in 11. But it all went south in 2018. My parents divorced at 15 and i have PTSD from the whole experience. My dad tried to fix it but in the end my mom just couldn’t take it anymore. If i had one wish, it would be my family would be back together again.

[anasevi]

My parents divorced when I was 11, it screwed my sister and I [f] up badly.
1] They had never ever fought in front of my sister and I. They were not yellers in general.
2] My mother became extremely abusive to us after, Never knew how much him being around protected us from her temper.
An ex of mine had a more typical parental divorce, , they fought were nasty to each other for a few years and then separated when he was 16. It was a relief for him.

[janesajenkins]

My parents divorce began when I was about 3/4 and I vividly remember moments of chaos and pain. It’s hard to explain, but it’s stained into my brain. At the time it made no sense, I thought they were bad dreams but later confirmed with my parents.

Kids understand/ remember a lot more than I feel people give them credit for. I guess if it’s an amicable divorce then yea, the child won’t notice. But usually it’s not, and I know mine wasn’t, but I remember a lot… I also probably harbor issues from that, but 🤷🏼‍♀️

[danc]

Mine divorced when I was 8. Turmoil was going on long before and after that though. I remember I thought it strange when my mother remarried, that she shared a bed with my stepfather. My father always slept on the couch, and as a kid, I thought that was just the way it was suppossed to be. Guess I should have figured that was the least of the issues while appliances and light fixtures were being hurled across the house and the cops were always being called. It was a horrible time during my life, and I grew up to be an extremely bitter and resentful person. I've never sought a relationship. Never could stay at a job longer than a few years. Never could find a therapist worth their salt.

[naynay-mkfn]

My parents split when I was around 2 so i didn't really get affected by it. My childhood was very sweet and I was happy. I didn't know any better from what was going on. I once said to someone "not everyone has a dad, I don't" and she looked at me really weirdly. I was confused. Although I saw my dad through custody my mum would often say " your going to see the man today have you picked our clothes and put them in the bag." I didn't realise at the time but this has caused a lot of damage to me now becuase there was a lot of bitterness and opinions surrounding everything. I would often have bad dreams about my mum finding out that I actually liked to see my dad. That they would run into each other and find out all the lies I would tell to keep the peace and so I wasn't disappointing. If anyone told me that was what was happening 2 years ago I would be stubborn against the idea as I didn't want to believe it all becuase it made me feel different and sad, but as a child I didn't know how I felt or how I should feel. It was confusing and I am only just starting to get over it all. I'm 14 now, 15 in may and I am worried about my future. I have a stepmum and theres a lot of tention and disconnection between a lot of my family. It's hard but I'm glad I've recognized it. I guess I just want to be seen helps and understood. I wish I could go back 4 years and sort it all out.

[chaudhryarshad]

It's deeply painful for kid's. Honestly They need both them.

[suzysobrinho]

I disagree I was 5 when my parents divorced horrible custody battle. My dad and stepmom kept me from my mom i saw her twice in 1 year. I was very aware of what was going on and saw right through my dad and stepmoms attempts to manipulate me. I think if you are under age 7 it can do even more damage.

[chrisaurous]

My parents divorced when I was 7 and it definitely impacted me for many years. When I was little anytime my parents kissed in front of me I’d say “ew” go in between their legs and push them apart as a little joke. It sounds silly to say now but when they got a divorce I genuinely thought it was my fault because of me pushing them apart. Obviously now looking back their divorce had much more to it and when I was older I learned it was due to infidelity. But when they got a divorce they just told us it was because they “grew apart”. Even though I was little I knew there had to be a reason for a divorce besides a simple explanation like that. So for some reason I came to the conclusion that my joke of pushing them apart made them “grow apart”. Sounds very silly I know but I really did believe I was to blame for it all when I was 7 and it made me depressed at that age and for years to come. My whole point in writing all this is just to show that even though a 7 year old can’t fully understand divorce that doesn’t always make it better and doesn’t mean they won’t be severely impacted by it emotionally.

[braindojo]

step father of 55 years died the other day, gave away to a stranger everything my mom worked for whole life, house, pensions, etc. It was his last stab at us. It sucked experiencing my mom descend into dementia, a mean abusive step father knock her around toward the end bc she no longer had any use. all 5 kids put on a no contact list. doesn't matter the age of the kid at the time so much as the dynamics later in their lives. hate to say it but she chose him over us. he was my father's best friend. my dad was just a regular guy but step dad was a very large man stud. so much so that he carried on a 30 yr affair with another woman, lost jobs due to sex harassment. she unknowingly signed away everything toward the end of dementia. and bc he felt he wasn't appreciated enough, gave he away the last remaining years of my family. i was the youngest of five and took particular pleasure in beating me up. he was a monster. but i told him via email i forgave him. why? bc he was who he was, but why would a mother divorce a father of five? there was no abuse, drinking, etc. nothing. it was bc she preferred having a dynamic sex life. later in life she plunged into religion, full of guilt. i would say divorce effects last forever.

[SRoseBlog]

My parents divorced when i was 12. My 2 older siblings were 13, and 14. They were trerribly affected. My big sister suffered shame around it. We grew up in a strict church and my brother became holier-than- thou and was very judgemwntal towards not only our parents but other "heathen".

My parents never spoke ill of each other during this all.

Only as we are adults now my mom speaks ill of my dad.

How it affected me? I dont know if a psychologist would say otherwisr,
But i was unphased. I was happy. I think my mom and dad werent a good fit. He was quiet, a miser, and dreamer, a hoarder, generally unclean.

My mom is an alphafemale and needs a betamale that would appreciate her orders. My father did not appreciate her orders. She wanted a regal home that he didnt provide for her ( and she didnt provide for herself) in 15 years of marriage.

They are both remarried to the right people.
He married a woman meeker than him. A dreamer like himself.
And she remarried a push-over cheater man.

[kolasoljet]

It was 7 for me...he had his new girlfriend now his wife light my #7 snoopy candle on my birthday cake...I was sick to my stomach cuz she was taking over and I knew she was here to stay...😢😢😢😢😢