What to Do If Your Partner Is Friends with an Ex (and You Don't Like It), Relationships Made Easy

What to Do If Your Partner Is Friends with an Ex (and You Don't Like It), Relationships Made Easy Podcast with Dr. Abby Medcalf, Episode 186 / Your partner is friends with their ex and it's bugging you! Is it OK to be jealous? Can exes really be just friends? How should you approach your partner about your unhappiness about their relationship with their ex-girlfriend or boyfriend? Today I'm answering these questions and more in this Ask Dr. Abby episode of the podcast!

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[clayskateboards]

The only “good” reason I personally believe to stay in contact with an ex is for children and a “mutual understanding” for work. Remember, they’re exes for a reason! Despite how good they treated you or how well you ended things on, they’re you’re EX. Especially if you are in a loving and healthy relationship, why would there need to be ANY “support” needed from an EX? (minus children) Make it make sense. You should be getting that out of the relationship you’re CURRENTLY in. At the end of the day what you should take into consideration is how you’re partner feels. If they’ve tried to express that they’re uncomfortable respectfully, then it’s a no brainer to me. Respect their feelings. Such unnecessary strife, lol.

[windysmith]

When they hide their communication or tell you that they never speak to them /over them and you find out they are doing it behind your back …🚩big red flag

[jessiemarmolejos]

I'm 33 and I have been BS a lot in the past, I dont believe in exes friendship. Once I end a relationship it's over and I expect my partner to do the same.

[staceyrobbins]

He’s not going to tell you he still has unresolved romantic feelings and that’s why he’s still friends with her. If he leans on another ex woman for security it’s going to effect the current relationship he’s in.

[julesofsouthafrica]

'Michelle', trust your gut. Children are the only reason for contact with an ex. Security is not a good enough reason either.

[enchanteddragonfly]

I don’t agree with this video at all.
If it’s not children or going through some kind of business stuff.. / divorce there’s no reason.
It’s not about jealousy sometimes it’s about your partner having respect for your feeling and boundaries
Also the ex has no respect if they’re texting .

[MH-wdgu]

I had a partner who could not let go of her ex, and would even tell me she has unresolved feelings for her ex. After trying to understand and endure it for a year, I had to leave for self respect and dignity. My situation was no.4, but staying friends for ‘security’ in my opinion is just as bad especially if you know that your partner does not feel comfortable with it. It’s lack of respect towards your current partner.

[deborahgloria]

You’d be jealous if you were cheated on.

[CatsAreNiceMeow]

Two men I was dating who were friends with their exes left me for their exes and married them.

[enchanteddragonfly]

Security ! And that’s ok .. no it’s not

[frankiereno]

My fiancé is in regular phone contact with not one but all his x’s. It is hard to understand why he feels the need to call each one and carry on long conversations. And I had a problem him discussing me and my business with the women. So, I’m trying to be at peace with him and his x’s giving each other this constant attention weekly at a minimum. I want to have a healthy attitude and though you make sense in this video, I still feel like I’m not enough to fulfill all his needs from females.

[starrynightsTX]

If Yoko is truly just friends with Paul, she would 100% understand Paul stepping away from the “friendship” to respect Michelle’s feelings/relationship.

There’s no need to stay friends/communication with an ex unless children are involved.

[christiandungan]

Michelle’s situation is eerily similar to the one that brought me to this video. Its been hard trying to research or ask friends about being comfortable when a partner is friends with an ex. Most of both say they wouldn’t trust it or that its a red flag. My boyfriend is so kind and attentive, meets all my needs, and really the only issue is this friendship. I knew that because i trust him and weve built such a loving relationship, there had to be a way i could come to terms with him keeping a close friendship with his ex. This video helped soothe a lot of my worries, and validate the feeling that “not ALL hope is lost” when this situation happens.

[joapaucastaneda]

Thank you, you gave me a wider perspective.

[deejaymark]

what's your advise on this my partner and i have been together a year and a half we have had good time and also bad due to orbiters hanging around as friends so we are still with each other but recently had a bit of a break up still in contact as going with each other texting back and forth I've been a bit jealous but had my reasons she doesn't seem to get my boundaries and still carrys on interacting with a so called friend she also matched with on tinder before she met me but told me nothing happend he's always lurking about social media etc... that i told her i am uncomfortable with and she wouldn't change anything when we had a bit of a break she actually went to that person and told him to block me cause i was looking and noticed he was online and was texting her when we broke up but she said she will never remove him cause she is a friend and she said your not dictating to me who i talk to but she must have been telling him what way i was getting on about him i think this is so disrespectful to go to him after we had a break up does she value me cause it seems she values him more it was so hurtful and she knows that then today she phoned me and told me she needs something fixed in her house and has asked a friend to fix it that was someone she did go with in her past she did tell me she went with him and he is currently going with a girl for a while but he is calling to her house tomorrow to fix what she asked him to i respect that she is being honest and didn't have to tell me that he was an ex she was expecting me to go mad about this again I no that but I said i don't care he is actually picking her up after her physio and taking her to the house to fix what is wrong in the house what is she playing at please give me advise i told her i don't care let him probably the opposite of what she was expecting me to say what should I do or say when i see her or should i just keep calm and not question this i think if anything was to happen she wouldn't have told me in the first place please give me the right advise i think she is testing me to see if ive changed and not to be jealous or worried so as she knows im going to be ok with these obstacles or i was thinking is it to see what she can get away with its hard cause i feel like she should put me first and concidermy feelings after all she has talked about marrying me and would please help ???

[lindak]

Other than necessary reasons, there’s no reason to stay friends with an ex once you’ve remarried.

[marvinmakarwichrealtor]

Perhaps defining what the true meaning of "Friends" is in the study and in your explanation would be helpful. You got close when you described civility and said you feel like it's more friendly versus friends. I think I struggle a little understanding how security is a positive reason for staying friends with an ex because it doesn't seem conducive to nurture a new intimate relationship if someone isn't releasing their security with their ex and seeking security with their new partner in life. Also, I think children are often used as excuses to maintain friendships with exes which I find wrong to a certain degree. I'm single and a parent and my ex and I get along good, but I would likely run through a long list of family and friends before I got to hers if I ever needed Security, Practical, and Civility. As far as Unresolved Romantic Desires, usually that one fades quickly with time. Again, there's a big difference between being friendly and friends in my book.

[glianderik]

In my culture we don't stay friends with an ex not unless they have kids. And so I'm trying to have an open mind to it, they don't have kids by the way but there's a situation that made me more skeptical on their FRIENDSHIP. And because of that my fears overwhelmed me. But he did some boundaries on their friendship after we had misunderstandings about it. But it still didn't change my point of view. Is it because we are on long distance relationship and they are on the same city and they go twice a month doing groceries together.

It doesn't mean that i don't trust my partner i just don't trust them being together. And every time i heard or even saw his ex online THAT SITUATION keeps coming back with fears. I'm always trying to not think about it but i can't help it sometimes specially that i know they still see each other. I can't be relaxed.

I should say they are more on the first moderator since he don't want to hurt her feelings.

I just prayed that i overcome this fears and everything goes well in the future. I don't want this situation to be the main cause of our future fights and misunderstandings.

[BBSAXX]

Going through this exactly. A lot of good info. There are many differences in opinions. Mine was spouse reconnection with ex of 38 years. Professional help seems to do nothing except validate her reasons for the reconnection. My feelings are held back. To me its the Mark Twains:
Anger is an acid that does more damage to the vessel in which it is stored, than to anything on which it’s poured. Mistrust at its finest. Social media and the ease of someone reconnecting probably is not the the #3 reason for divorce, but closing in fast on #1.

[beareyes]

Lol how about if they don't tell their ex (that he sees often) that you're dating? And refuses to tell her, for now.