Viral TikTok Video on “First Date Red Flag” EXPLAINED

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“Were we even on the same date?”

I’ve heard this more times than I can count when people feel frustrated that their date didn’t ask them many questions . . . or in some cases, any questions at all.

In today’s video, I talk about how to tell the difference between someone who’s self-absorbed vs. someone who is just oblivious but really is interested in learning more about you. I also give you two sample scripts you can use when you want to bring up the issue in a high-value and low-pressure way.

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▼ Chapters ▼

0:00 – 1:57 – When People Don’t Ask Questions on Dates
1:57 – 3:17 – We Don’t Always Have to Fill the Silence
3:17 – 4:24 – “Were We on the Same Date?”
4:24 – 5:26 – Self-Absorbed or Just a Different Communication Style?
5:26 – 6:43 – What to Say in This Situation
6:43 – 7:53 – Taking the Microphone
7:53 – 9:40 – Communicating on a Different Level
9:40 – 11:44 – The Communication You Want to Have
11:44 – 13:18 – An Opportunity for Growth
13:18 – 15:22 – What Do You Have to Lose?
15:22 – 16:47 – Key Takeaways

[anamariasevilla]

If the conversation is not flow both ways, I don't waste my time on a second date.

[krazimitzi]

This happened to me exactly. But there were things I liked about him, so we kept going out. On the third date, I asked him: “Just out of curiosity, you’ve only asked me 2 questions thus far, one on each date. Do you not dare to ask me things or are you nervous, or what is it? I don’t want to just assume that you’re not interested in getting to know me better.”

He said that he’s not really good at thinking of what questions to ask, that I had already been super vulnerable and sharing my own stories, and he also didn’t want to prod too hard on early dates in case he scared me away. But he really put in an effort to ask me more questions. What’s also important is that he really listened to me and related and shared his opinions in return, so we could have deep, meaningful conversations.

We’re nearly together for a year now and it’s been the most loving and amazing relationship of my life. If I had just blown him off because he didn’t ask me questions, I’d never have found my person. ❤

[ofkgjsl]

I once went on a date where the guy interviewed me interrogation type style. It didn‘t feel like he was interested, it felt like he was working through a catalogue of criteria he couldn‘t check or filter with dating apps and was super efficient with it 😂 It‘s like he mastered the date game. However I still felt judged on a very superficial level. People should calm down and get to know each other on a friendly base first.

[fazendoaminhafesta]

I really liked that you didn’t draw conclusions just because the person talked a lot about themselves. The worst narcissist I’ve ever met does the opposite. In the first meetings, he keeps asking questions about the woman's entire life, only to later use that information during love bombing and transform himself into the perfect prince.

[goodnightkiwi]

I've had this and sat in silence and after about 30 seconds I asked, "would you like to know something about he was like "ummm..."
Red flag....he hadn't even considered what he wants or a basic question of who I am. I dropped him so many conversation starters...family, travel, work, friends, situations....
If they are too "slow" they aren't for me lol

[kj]

The thing is.. if the person is in fact a full blown narcissist and you tell them you have an issue with them not asking questions about you, you're basically giving them clues as to how to act to better manipulate you. This is s tricky one!

I would be more likely to take someone at face value and presume the person they are showing up as is who they are.. rather than giving them clues as to how i'd expect to be treated... I'd rather know that the way they are acting is most like their natural, authentic self and not contrived simply to make a good impression on their date...

[fridmanlena]

I dated a guy who didn't ask me questions....for 2 months that we have been dating😂😮😮😮.
I felt something was off from the very first date. Too bad didn't follow my gut

[isabelitaruizVO]

I sent him a message about it after 7 dates (the first 3 he did seem interested to some degree) and then he confirmed he just wanted to have something casual. Defo he was not curious or interested about me and so it ended. Glad I followed my instincts. Thanks Matthew and team ❤

[CeciledeLuire]

i agree to disagree: *absolutely don't* ask them "what do you want to know about me". really better to go on a second or even third date. because if nerves were the problem on date 1, a second or third date will give them some safety in order to be themselves. and if they still don't ask you questions *then* - ya well, that is who they are and god knows i do want to know this because i do *not* want someone this self-centered!

[kahleesi-queenfire]

Went on a date and two hours in asked casually if they wanted to know anything about me since they simply talked about themselves while I acknowledged each one.. they blinked at me in response as if they were an alien and had no response 😂😂

[yanis]

I was with a guy who didn't ask me questions for a year and a half. Turns out he just didn't care as much. It took me all that time to get to know wether our values aligned or not. There are some people who don't have any depth. It's all about the weather and what you ate today...😢

[rhiannonh.]

The friends advice of letting the other person follow the silence, is wise. It’s something I’ve always done with dating since high school because you can tell a lot about a person based on how they not only handle silence (ie - uncomfortable moments) & how they choose to keep a conversation rolling (ie - adaptability). Two crucial things to look for in the early stages tbh because people who can’t adapt, won’t grow and change in a relationship, but someone who can’t handle uncomfortable moments & silence is not going to have PATIENCES when it's needed.

[Motherearth]

I experienced someone asking me a lot of questions in the get to know you stage before our first date, but they were consistently surface level questions (i.e. asking a lot about my favorite foods and talking about eating food in general, what TV shows I watch, more food topics lol) and never got deeper unless I asked him something about his ideas or family. The first date wasn't any different and turns out we're not compatible

[EvaMariposa]

My last date was with a guy that refused to share any personal information... No last name, no birthday, no job details 😂... Not sure what kind of dating trauma he had experienced but it was the most frustrating date I ever went on. 😅

[francescam.]

I think it is a huge deal. The feeling of not beeing important is not small. My father is doing it. And it really affects our relationship

[maceystewart]

Matthew AI is literally so amazing!! Tried it out today and the response literally made me cry. It was exactly the encouragement and motivation I needed to hear. The Ai was also so similar to Matthew's words and voice that now it's going to be weird if I ever meet him in person because I feel like I already have. 😅 So grateful for this content. If you're thinking about trying out the AI, go for it, you won't regret it. <3

[geanny]

Asking questions is not only helpful in dating. If I care enough about someone I like to know about their background so I can understand them better in the decisions they make and also understand where they come from when later on I ask more serious questions. Because now they don't have to explain all their life when I ask a more complex question or something comes up.

[doublesidestephustler]

Me wondering how to get the first date 😂

[moiLamaable]

very useful ...thank u Mathew .... and i can't get over Mathew AI and how unbelievably amazing he is

[cindywroth]

I felt like you were talking to me in this video. I do ask questions on dates and I relate to their stories and share my own. There is rarely a quiet moment and the conversation seems to be shared. I will say that I have had experiences in the past where the conversation gets personal and it makes the other person uncomfortable (especially if it brings up something to do with their childhood or if triggers past traumas). It has made me stop asking about their past (which I really do want to know more about). I end up waiting for them to talk about it/bring it up on their own.

I really felt the part about not being able to answer the basic questions when friends ask me about my date. I typically don’t dig into history and instead focus on the present and goals. I really do want to go deep and I know not to do that too early in the dating stage, but I don’t always want to be afraid of having them shut me down by saying, “that’s personal” (which has happened). I also understand that I am a really open book and I know that not everyone is.

I had a boyfriend tell me once that I didn’t ask him questions to try to get to know him, but I didn’t want to be intrusive or get shut down. I figured if he wanted me to know certain things about him, he would tell me.

What types of questions should we ask in the “getting to know you“ phase and which should we avoid?