You’re Not Crazy, You’re Just Dealing With a Narcissist | The Mel Robbins Podcast

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#Narcissism is on the rise and you need to learn how to spot it in other people and have tools to protect yourself.

We all know those people who constantly turn a conversation toward themselves, who only call you when they want something, and who have a way of making everything someone else’s fault.

Well, guess what? Turns out narcissism goes far beyond that.

I’m telling you right now, even if you THINK you know what a #narcissist is, you need to listen.

I thought I knew, yet I’m still reeling from all my breakthrough moments.

Do you have a narcissist in your life?

Maybe you grew up with one.

Maybe you work with one.

Maybe you married one.

Maybe you don’t know what the hell a narcissist is!

Pull up a seat at the table with me because class is IN session.

Narcissism is a term that gets thrown around a lot these days, so how do you know if you’re REALLY dealing with a narcissist?

You have been blowing up my email and DMs about this topic, so @DoctorRamani is here to answer your questions.

She’s the world’s leading expert on narcissism and someone I’ve followed and admired for years. I love how she breaks down the topic of narcissism in a way that’s understandable, simple, and packed with tools you can apply the second you learn them.

Listen in as she shines a light on the REAL definition of a narcissist and the 5 warning signs you need to know if you’re dealing with one.

This topic is so juicy – and so surprising – that you’re going to be shocked by what you learn. One part in particular will change how you approach narcissists in your life from this day forward.

That’s exactly what happened to me. I have somebody in my life, a very prominent somebody, who absolutely displays narcissistic tendencies, and I have spent years in #therapy dealing with it. So I actually got out of my chair and hugged Dr. Ramani after everything she taught me and you in this amazing episode!

If you get something out of this episode, or if you have a friend that has struggled with a narcissist in their life, please share this with them.

And if you think a person is a narcissist, don't even bother sharing, because if there's one thing you're going to learn: you don't want to EVER call one out…

That's just one of the many rules you're going to learn to follow in order to protect yourself from narcissistic behavior.

This episode is jam-packed with teachable moments that will leave you seeing the narcissists in your life with 20-20 insight.

You’ll learn how to not only deal with them but also end this episode with the tools to heal.

And that, my friend, could be the takeaway that changes your life forever.

Xo Mel

In this episode, you will learn:
- Where narcissism begins
- How NOT to raise a narcissist
- How social media changed the game for narcissists
- How to tell if YOU are a narcissist 😯
- What “performative empathy” looks like
- Whether or not narcissists can change
- How to handle the narcissist in your life

Time codes:
00:00 Intro
00:30 Meet Dr. Ramani
03:30 Metaphor: You can’t change the weather
04:13 WHY Narcissism is NOT a diagnosis
10:50 Key Concept: Mental flexibility
13:42 The definition of narcissism and common traits of a narcissist
19:03 Key Concept: Narcissists are made in childhood, NOT born
29:54 Key Concept: The 5 warning signs someone is a narcissist
37:15 The impact of a narcissistic parent figure on a child (into adulthood)
45:24 Key Concept: What you need to know if you have a narcissistic parent
50:25 Tool: You have two choices when you are required to interact with a narcissist
51:10 Why you should never confront a narcissist
52:22 Role play: How to interact with a narcissistic parent or family member
55:17 Tool: Live life following your True North to avoid guilt from a narcissist
56:47 Key Concept: How to protect yourself from narcissists
57:54 Tool: The power of authenticity
1:01:53 Family roles in a family with a narcissistic parent

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[melrobbins]

Dr. Ramani @DocterRamani absolutely blew my mind today talking about narcissists and how they operate 🤯. Make sure you hit like and subscribe to hear from more incredible guests we have coming on in the future!

[christinemurphy]

That’s exactly right, a narcissist never has you on their mind, but you are absolutely supposed to be and expected to be on call or stand-by for

[billion]

1:09:42 - "Empathy and compassion doesn't mean that you forever remain someone's prisoner."

[arrow]

Am i the only one who doesn't want this video to end? I can listen to their discussion the whole day with coffee. Great discussion.

[Jelismiles]

1:07:05 I didn't know there was a name for the child I was- the truth teller. I was the 8 year old child watching my narc parent throw a tantrum like a toddler and thinking "there's no way this is normal."

[realhealing]

I was brainwashed from the start. I grew up in a narcissistic family system. No contact was my only option. Abusers don't change!

[coryw]

Growing up in the foster system, I think it would be beneficial to do a study on survivors of the foster system to see how many have developed narcissistic personalities. I am a narcissist based on my own experiences in the foster system. I was abandoned at six months, spent 16 years being abused in the system, then I was kicked to the streets. During my time in the foster system I noticed girls didn't like me, people I thought were friends didn't want to be around me, and when I was at school I was bullied by the racist kids because I was alone in an all caucasian school. Then, being kicked to the streets with an active addiction, I was told several times I would be dead before reaching 25. I had no healthy connections, no healthy blueprint of how to navigate my life, and no employment experience; so I had to figure it out on my own. I made poor choices in partners, friends, and I took the worst jobs because I felt at that time I was only worth that much.
After I sobered up in 2006 I began looking into my patterns, relationships, and every aspect of my own life to try to figure out why I made such poor choices. My lack of safety, cultural connection, lack of family support, and toxic friendships all pointed back to me. I had to learn to take responsibility, step out of my comfort zone, and begin holding myself accountable. Today I am still working on my issues, but I can say I feel far better than I did 30 years ago, when I felt I had to be in control over everyone in my life. I have learned to let go so so much, and being alone has become more of a blessing than a curse. I have learned to be more comfortable in my own skin, and my relationship with my children has improved. Nothing is perfect and I stumble a lot, but I catch myself faster now than I did back then.

[Aghinia]

These women just single handedly described and explained my childhood under 2 hours where it took me decades of therapy to understand 😂 Thank you for all the work you both do!

[jeangriffin]

Thank you, I’m an introvert and my family think I’m weird, I love being alone after being with a lot of people. I’ve been this way all my life.

[merakibeautybykb]

My brain feels like it is going to EXPLODE.

Got my girls to bed and usually it’s this time where I would blast some music in my headphones and clean up the house before I go to sleep but ever since I started your podcast I have found myself choosing to absorb this over music without a purpose.

I have tried to fully comprehend the extent of abuse of our childhood but it’s not till after this episode I see things how they truly are.

We were taken to another country without a choice by our narcissistic mother and stepfather. Our family was already failing when my real dad and mom were together but this woman chose to take her kids away from their biological dad to a foreign country opposed to swallowing her pride and co parenting with my dad.

This is where I would spend the majority of my childhood years (Temosachic Chihuahua Mexico) both my stepfather and mother were extreme alcoholics. We grew up in conditions that I still can’t even say out loud. No running water, no electricity and with two “parents” that would rather spend the only money we’d come by on their next bottle of whiskey.
My mom ended up having two other kids with my stepdad and my middle sister and I quickly became their caregivers. Anything her babies needed she would holler at us to tend to them. Any time any of us kids would ask about our real dad my stepfather and mother would get drunk and cause a huge scene crying asking us what have they done so wrong that we would be asking about our real dad.
All of my moms kids ran away before turning 18.

At 13 years old I got on a bus and traveled by myself from Mexico to Vegas to meet my real dad.
my oldest sister who had gotten married and was no longer controled by our mom was the one who helped my middle sister and I get out of there.

I never realized how insane it was until I had lids of my own. I don’t even let my girls go in the front yard by themselves 😂
But there I was at 13 on a bus by myself going to meet a man I didn’t even remember. The only reason I knew he was my dad is my older brother would be with him. So he must be my dad.
I thought I was finally getting a normal life and boy was I wrong. From the time my dad got me back we always lived in someone else’s home or in and out of hotels. And he’s now 55 and NOTHING has changed. He doesn’t own a home, doesn’t have a vehicle and is on the verge of going bankrupt.
For years I felt like I was in debt to him so I would do all his errands, Pay all his bills, make all his phone calls. Now that my husband has opened my eyes to who he truly is and I no longer jump when he calls because he needs me to go do something for him… GUESS WHAT? He never calls!

I have spoken to my mother one time since I came back from Mexico and I told her I forgave her for everything. This woman STILL thinks they gave us a good life in Mexico. If starving in another country, witnessing physical abuse and being molested by our stepdad is what you call a “good life” i don’t want it!

I am finally starting to see their ways and no longer fall victim to their game. I send them a silent blessing and keep my energy field uncontaminated.

If you’re still here reading, this is not a pity party im throwing myself. It’s just my experience growing up with a narcissistic mother.

Thank you guys so much for this specific episode you don’t know what you have done 🤍 🙏

[extraordinarywomennextchapter]

I found Dr. Ramani during covid and she has helped me in soooo many ways. Being raised by two narcissists and of course marrying a narcissist and choosing so many friends who are narcissists- I’m FINALLY - as a woman of a certain age- realizing what it looks like, accept that I can’t change their behavior, and found my life preserver by walking away from these relationships.

[ebonypearl]

The point that a narcissist doesn't think about you unless they need you or you're an obstacle just opened up so much for me. I always wondered how can he tell me and the world that he loves me so much, but then do things that hurt me or the connection. Bingo!

[VictoriaPhantasmagoria]

I grew up with an intensely narcissistic parent, who would often angrily exclaim, "if you would just think with my mind, everything would be fine." I've often thought that summed up the miserable experience pretty well.

[paulatortora-tan]

It’s all about boundaries. Set boundaries as if your life depends upon it.

[rutha]

As I am listening to this my mom calls. I didn’t pick up not in the mood to be verbally abuse or have her make me feel guilty. I have not spoken to her for some time. I decided last year to cut all the toxic people including ex out of my life and started the healing process. I wish I could have understood this much earlier in my life I am 53 now. This was a true eye opener. Next step is to try to get her voice out of my head.

[msdsamo]

My mom would verbally abuse me not by yelling mean things…she’d whispered them to me. In a crowded room…at a birthday party…in a restaurant…I’d be sitting there next to her getting abused. No one knew. She’s this nice, sweet lady to everyone else but to me she’s a monster.

My dad stopped liking me once I was no longer a cute baby. He physically abused me. It was his way or the highway. Like my mom, everyone knew my dad as a funny, friendly guy.

It was hell. I’m glad I got out of that situation. My parents are still alive. I want nothing to do with them.

[kayjones]

I grew up without my parents. I attract narcissist. I am done. I am going to take care of my kids and travel. Thank you Dr. Ramani for helping me through my break up. Our last step is to sell the house and I will be free. I am now well educated. Thank you

[lindsayvalley]

Absolutely correct. Authentic people have boundaries and a small network of friends. So true!

[teamorn]

Now I can finally confirm after hearing this that I married a true narcissist 3 years ago and since I wasn’t aware bout narcissistic behaviour I ended up mentally suffering and declined, I have now PTSD anxiety depression. My mind was constantly questioning myself if I am the one who’s the problem. But I finally escaped 3 months ago and felt so relieved and my mind’s at peace.

[Urban_CottageCore]

54:05 For anyone who’s feels like they are in a relationship where they are being gaslighted and feels guilt, listen to this. This really hit home for me.